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Jut_King
08-04-2008, 09:30 AM
A man stuck his head into a barber shop and asked,
>
> "How long before I can get a haircut?"
>
>
> The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said,
>
> "About 2 hours."
>
>
> The man left.
>
>
> A few days later the same man stuck his head in the door and asked,
>
> "How long before I can get a haircut?"
>
> The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours."
>
> The man left.
>
>
> A week later the same man stuck his head in the shop and asked,
>
> "How long before I can get a haircut?"
>
>
> The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half."
>
> The man left.
>
> The barber turned to a friend and said, "Hey, Bill, do me a favour.
> Follow
> that bloke and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to
> wait
> for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back."
>
>
> A little while later, Bill returned to the shop, laughing
> hysterically.
>
> The barber asked, "So where does that bloke go when he leaves?"
>
>
> Bill looked up, tears in his eyes and said, "Your house."

Generic User Name
08-06-2008, 12:46 PM
Vrou in Polisie kantoor: "Sersant, 'n man het nou net hier buite aan my "koekie" gevat!"
Sersant: "Manne, gaan soek julle die bliksem! Ek gaan solank vinger afdrukke vat!"

GeneralG
08-07-2008, 10:57 AM
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated Conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:
'Emma come First. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more! Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one Lasta Time.'
The lady can't take this any more, 'You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig.' She retorted indignantly. 'In this country, we don't speak aloud on Public Places about our sex lives.'
'Hey, coola down lady, ' said the man. 'Who talkin'abouta sex?

I'm a Justa Tellin my friend how to spell ' Mississippi ','

WillyG ZA
08-07-2008, 11:28 AM
Why do dogs do it Doggy Style?
So they can both watch the gate at the same time.


http://www.xboxlc.com/cards/greenice/WillyG%20ZA.jpg
(http://www.xboxlc.com/profile/WillyG_ZA)

I suffer from Clanlessness.

Generic User Name
08-08-2008, 06:42 AM
so a kid tells me this one, laughing the entire time

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Cowsgo.

Cowsgo who?

No they don't they go moooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!

Sorry :roll: Oh well have a good Friday !!

Drew123
08-08-2008, 10:42 AM
Hahahaha... Hell - I found that one funny... Kudo's to you :-)

ITS FRIIIIIIIDAY!!! *Runs around salivating*

OddSock
08-08-2008, 10:48 AM
so a kid tells me this one, laughing the entire time

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Cowsgo.

Cowsgo who?

No they don't they go moooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!

Sorry :roll: Oh well have a good Friday !!

No they don't...But Folken does. :D

bokka1
08-08-2008, 02:39 PM
If you thought you had a crap job:

http://img177.imageshack.us/img177/5632/worstjobeh0.th.jpg (http://img177.imageshack.us/my.php?image=worstjobeh0.jpg)

bokka1
08-11-2008, 09:57 AM
An Afrikaans one:

Koos sit in 'n kroeg en bestel 'n dop. Teen die muur sien hy 'n bordjie
wat lees:


Kaastoebroodjies: R10.00
Chicken Mayo: R15.00
Draadtrek: R20.00


Hy roep die sexy blonde kroegmeisie nader en vra: "Is jy die een wat
die draadtrek doen?"
"Ja? " antwoord sy terwyl sy haar ogies in Koos se rigting fladder en
hom 'n sexy smile gee.

"Nou gaan was jou hande, ek wil 'n kaastoebroodjie h!"

Generic User Name
08-11-2008, 10:35 AM
met al die praat onlangs oor die 80's en vroe dae ......

Op 'n keer vra die vyfjarige Melanie vir ouma hoe oud sy is. Ouma antwoord dat sy nou al so oud is dat sy nie eers meer kan onthou hoe oud nie. Melanie gee toe goeie raad. "Ouma moet net agter in ouma se panties kyk. Myne se vyf tot ses!"

BuKz1n
08-11-2008, 05:49 PM
Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake were walking along the beach. Suddenly, Justin says, "Aww, Britney, look at the dead birdie."

Britney looks up at the sky and says, "Where?!"

Sorry if its bad it was a happy Monday and i was LoLing at a lot of strange jokes toda :)

Generic User Name
08-12-2008, 01:24 PM
Die passasiers op 'n SAL vlug van Bloemfontein na George sit al reg om te vertrek toe die kaptein en tweede offisier aan boord kom. Albei het donkerbrille op, die een stap met 'n gidshond en die ander gebruik 'n wit stok om sy pad te vind. Sommige van die passasiers giggel senuagtig, want dis sekerlik 'n grap.

Die motore word aangesit, die vliegtuig kom in beweging, begin spoed optel op die aanloopbaan, maar styg nie op nie. Intussen kom die einde van die aanloopbaan al hoe nader en nader, en die passasiers begin onrustig rond te kyk. Die vliegtuig beweeg vinniger en vinniger, amper aan die einde van die aanloopbaan, en 'n handvol passasiers begin gil en skree en huil, tot die vliegtuig se neus lig en 'n paar meter voor die einde van die aanloopbaan begin opstyg.

'n Paar passasiers sug van verligting, 'n paar ander lyk skaam oor hoe hulle op die skrikwekkende grappie gereageer het, en wanneer die eerste drankies bedien word, vergeet almal van die insident. In die vlugkajuit voel-voel die kaptein sy pad na die knoppie gemerk " Automatic Pilot " , druk dit, en sit terug in sy stoel.

" Weet jy, " s hy aan die tweede offisier. " Eendag gaan die simpel mense te laat begin gil , dan *** ons almal!

GeneralG
08-13-2008, 07:52 AM
You are driving in a car at a constant speed.

On your left side is a 'drop off', (The ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are traveling on), and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you.

In front of you is a galloping horse, which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a galloping zebra.

Both the horse and zebra are also traveling at the same speed as you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

Get off the merry-go-round! You're obviously pissed!

spl0it
08-13-2008, 03:00 PM
Stop Stop

Die ou ry te vinnig en 'n spietkop trek hom af. Toe hy sy venster
oopdraai, haak die spietkop af en gee hom 'n moerse klap.
Bestuurder (Verboureerd): Waarvoor was dit?
Spietkop: As ek jou stop en jy maak jou venster oop, moet jou
bestuurslisensie reeds in jou hand wees! Moenie my tyd mors nie!
Die spietkop loop om die motor en klop by die passasier se venster.
Die bestuurder se pel draai sy venster af en WHAP, klap die Spietkop
hom ook.
Passasier (Verskrik): Hei, ek bestuur nie, waarvoor is dit?
Spietkop: Ek het gou jou wens vervul...
Passasier: Watter wens is dit nogal?
Spietkop: Sodra julle hier weg ry en voor jy en jou tjommie oor die
eerste bult was, sou jy vir hom ges het "Hy moes daai *** met MY
getraai het..."

bokka1
08-14-2008, 10:30 AM
Jannie kom terug van sy finale ambulansman eksamen, in ekstase, en skree vir sy vrou:
PAK IN! PAK IN! PAK IN! Ons kan uit eindelik bekostig on uit die klein plekkie uit te trek!"

Sy vroutjie vra opgewonde: " Was die eksamen maklik? Sal jy deur wees?"

Jannie s: "Ja baie maklik, net een vraag gekry!" Hulle het gevra: "Jy kom op 'n ongeluks toneel van 'n vrou af en jy moet jou hand plaas op 'n plek om te voel of sy nog lewe. Die woord begin met 'n P en eindig met 'n S. "

Sy vroutjie val hom opgewonde in die rede: "POLS, ja dit is maklik."

Jannie skree:
"AG NEE ***! PAK UIT! PAK UIT! PAK UIT!"

Generic User Name
08-15-2008, 09:03 AM
Eish what Graham Joffee did to us in the traffic this morning ......

The village idiot goes into a bar to have himself a cold one.

Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the bar and asked, "Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?"

The idiot said it was his.

"Your dog seems to be in heat" the officer said.

The idiot replied, "No way.. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that shade tree."

The policeman said, "No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred."

"No way," said the idiot. "That dog don't need bread. She ain't hungry 'cause I fed her this mornin'."

The exasperated policeman said, "NO! You don't understand; your dog wants to have sex!"

(You gotta love this) :tongue:



The idiot looked at the cop and said, "Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog."

singularity2012
08-15-2008, 10:29 AM
One day Cinderella was at home *** bored cos her step-taanie & step-sister's was gone to Rascasse. So her fairy-god-taanie asked her:

Cinderella what’s wrong?

Cinderella say she wana go to to da jol but she got ***ol odds. So the fairy-god-taanie gave her odds, a bottle rum, 20 courtleigh and organised an outie

To go to the jol with her.

But the fairy-god-taanie said that she must be home be 12 otherwise her koekie gonna turn into a pumpkin.



11:58: no Cinderella

01:35: no Cinderella

02:55: no Cinderella

finally @ 04:26 Cinderella came home dik gesuip and fairy-god-taanie asked her where she was & Cinderella reply:

"fairy-god-taanie the outie that you organized I go with was PETER, PETER PUMPKIN EATER"...

Generic User Name
08-19-2008, 05:45 AM
A man and woman are seated next to each other on a plane. After takeoff, the woman violently sneezes and excuses herself to go to the bathroom... so the man stands up to let her out.

She returns, and 15 minutes later she sneezes again big time, and again excuses herself to go to the bathroom.

She returns again, and immediately sneezes, excusing herself to go to the bathroom.

The man, a little tired of jumping up so often...asks her: "You keep sneezing, what's the problem?"

The woman replies: "I have a rare condition...every time I sneeze I have an org@sm."

He says, "Oh... what are you taking for it?"

She says: "Pepper."

Q121
08-19-2008, 07:57 AM
how many emo kids does it take to change a light bulb?

- F*&Kem, let them cry in the dark.

or

- Two. One gets to change the light bulb, while the other gets to write a depressing poem about how he misses the old one

or

- One to change the lightbulb, and two others to maintain an in-group exclusivity to the light bulb changer, who now has NO friends.

or

- 1 to change the bulb,
4 to follow the dead bulb as a shiny new metaphore for how life is pain,
and 1 to reject their new doctorine because there all a bunch of conformist twats anyway.

corneg
08-19-2008, 10:12 AM
George W. Bush and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad meet in Tehran for peace talks following recent hostilities. As they're sat down, Bush notices three buttons on the side of his chair.

He pushes the first one and a boot comes flying out of nowhere kicking him in the shins. The Iranian president falls about laughing.

He pushes the second button and a boxing glove comes flying through the air and hits him in the face. Again the Iranian president pisses himself laughing.

He pushes the third button tentatively and another boot comes flying out of nowhere and kicks him in the balls. Eyes watering, he falls to the floor while the Iranian president struggles for air as he's laughing so hard.

Bush staggers to his feet and announces that he's going to Washington - the Iranian president will be welcome to resume talks in three days.

Three days pass and the Iranian president arrives in Washington for the talks.

As he sits down in his seat he notices three buttons on the side. Eyeing them suspiciously, he presses the first one.

Nothing happens........ Bush starts giggling.

He winces as he pushes the second one. Again, nothing.... Bush starts laughing harder.

He grimaces as he pushes the third one. Once more, nothing happens..... Bush falls out of his seat lauging.

The Iranian president gets up in a huff and announces, "I'm going back to Iran."

Gasping for air, Bush replies, "what Iran?"

GeneralG
08-19-2008, 03:31 PM
An Afrikaner guy, an Aussie, a beautiful girl and an old woman are sitting
in a train.


The train suddenly goes through a tunnel and it gets completely dark.
Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a slap!


The train comes out of the tunnel.


The old woman, beautiful girl and the Afrikaner guy are sitting there
looking perplexed. The Aussie is bent over holding his face, which is red
from an apparent slap.


The old woman is thinking: 'That Aussie must have tried to kiss that girl
and got slapped.'

The Aussie is thinking: 'Damn it, that Afrikaner guy must have tried to kiss
the beautiful girl. She thought it was me and slapped me instead.'

The beautiful girl is thinking: 'That Aussie must have moved to kiss me, but
kissed the old lady instead and got slapped.'

The Afrikaner guy is thinking: 'If this train goes through another tunnel, I
could make another kissing sound and moer that Aussie again!'

Uncle
08-19-2008, 03:42 PM
So classy :D

InvUsrName
08-19-2008, 03:45 PM
For those who understand it, this is good:

O, gonna ek hoop dis die einde van die kerk
Ek kan nie meer sit nie my maag wil werk
Die dominee praat lank en die son sit laag
Die vreeslikste pyne kruip rond in my maag

Eers word ek warm, en dan weer koud
Nog nooit in my lewe was ek al so benoud
Dominee, Dominee praat tog klaar
My rug trek krom die gort is gaar
Dit knal en dit kraak en my derms kreun
Toe los ek 'n poep wat die gallery laat dreun
Die mense kyk om en ek bloos my bloedrooi
Die skaamste van almal was Sannie, my nooi.

Die dominee bly stil sy oe omgedop
Die vrou agter my se hoed sit skeef op haar kop
Kort agter die hakke van die stereo klank
Volg die gemeente se reaksie op die vreeslike stank
Party begin te hoes, en ander te proes
Ander weer waai met sakdoeke woes
My oe traan, my kop die sak
Toe kom die vrees dat ek in my broek sal ***

Sowaar as wragtig net die volgende keer
Is dit toe presies wat moes gebeur
Ek dag dis 'n poep want die drukking is kwaai
Te laat besef ek dis 'n ander lawaai

Geskok na die gerommel soos 'n donderstorm
Kom ek agter die poep het 'n knopperige vorm
Die dominee bly stil en gluur my aan
'n ouderling begin woedend sy weg na my baan

Ek spring met mening op om weg te hol
Maar word teruggetrek deur 'n tienpond drol
Die ouderling kom nader sy arms bak
Ek skrik so groot dat ek 'n groter bol ***

My broek is nat en die pype staan wyd
so het ek my laas as kind beskyt
Die ouderling gryp my, ek kan nie beweeg
Toe maak ek vir "spite" die res op hom leeg

Nou is hy woedend en soos 'n bees so sterk
Hy "free wheel" my kop tussen my bene uit die kerk
My sinne word dof van die walglike reuk
Die " cheek" om my kop tussen my bene te steek

My maag is so seer, my bene die knak
Al wat ek voel is die groot bol ***
Die ouderling steun en druk aan die bol
En druk die ding amper terug in my hol

Buite los hy my en storm na binne
Stadig herstel ek van my bedwelmde sinne
Die ding wat my sedertdien nog altyd verstom
Is hoe het ek die Sondag by die huis gekom

Een ding het ek van kerkgang geleer
As jou maag wil werk , sit naby die deur
En as jou derms begin draai en jou poephol blom
Sorg dat jy vinnig by die ***huis kom.

singularity2012
08-20-2008, 11:29 AM
Students at a Medical School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They are all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. Then the professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor: The first is that it is necessary that you don't get disgusted." The Professor uncovered the sheet, sunk his finger in the butt of the dead body, withdrew it, and then stuck his finger in his mouth and sucked it. "Go ahead and do the same thing" he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated and subsequently taking turns, sunk their finger in the butt of the dead body and sucked it after withdrawing it. When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told them: "The second important quality is observation. I inserted the middle finger and sucked the index. Pay attention people."

Uncle
08-20-2008, 11:32 AM
Too good not to share!


http://www.flashasylum.com/db/files/Comics/Rob/follow-your-heart.png (http://www.explosm.net/comics/1377/)
Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net (http://www.explosm.net/)

singularity2012
08-20-2008, 03:11 PM
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the
front door. "Hurry!" she said, "stand
in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she
dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until
I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh,
it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly.
"The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one
for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night
when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of
bed, went to the kitchen
and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.
"Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at
the Smiths' for three days, and nobody offered
me as much as a glass of water."

InvUsrName
08-20-2008, 03:14 PM
The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer - who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket went in to try out for the job.

"Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Gomer, what is 1 and 1?"

"11" he replied.

The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but he's right."

"What two days of the weekstart with the letter 'T'?"

"Today and tomorrow."

He was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.

"Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"

Gomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."

"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"

So, Gomer wandered over to the pool hall where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Gomer was exultant.

"It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"

InvUsrName
08-20-2008, 03:16 PM
General McKenzie was in charge of the Navy, and he was visiting his colleague General Marshall, who was in charge of the Army. McKenzie arrives at the military camp and is greeted by Marshall. They both walk around the place, and McKensie asks: "So how are your men?"

"Very well trained, Gral. McKenzie."

"I hope so. You see, my men over at the Navy are so well trained, you could see they're the bravest men all over the country." "Well, my men are very brave, too."

"I'd like to see that."

So Marshall calls private Cooper and says: "Private Johnson! I want you to stop that tank coming here with your body!"

"Are you crazy? It'd kill me, you idiot! I'm out of here!" As private Johnson ran away, Marshall turned to a bewildered McKenzie and said:

"You see? You have to be pretty brave to talk like that to a general."

InvUsrName
08-20-2008, 03:17 PM
A man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes. He is obviously drunk. So the bartender says to another man in the bar: "Why don't you be a good Samaritan and take him home."

The man takes the drunk out the door and to his car and he stumbles at least ten times. They drive along and the drunk points out his house to the man. He stops the car and the drunk stumbles up the steps to his house with the man.

The drunk's wife greets them at the door: "Why thank you for bringing him home for me, but where's his wheel chair?"

InvUsrName
08-20-2008, 03:20 PM
What happens when people of different occupations get old.

- Old seers never die, they just lose their vision.

- Old sewage workers never die, they just waste away.

- Old skateboarders never die, they just lose their bearings.

- Old sailors never die, they just get a little dingy.

spl0it
08-21-2008, 07:51 AM
http://img391.imageshack.us/img391/5733/85821385wk7.jpg (http://imageshack.us)

IgWaBaBa
08-21-2008, 08:14 AM
is it just me or did he just put on a second pair of sunglasses?ha ha ha ha!

GeneralG
08-21-2008, 09:27 AM
An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time. A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his too covered with bright green and purple freckles.
Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like it, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says "I've got bad news for you. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it".
The man looks a little perplexed and says "Well, give me a
shot or something and fix me up doc".
The doctor answers "I'm sorry, there's no known cure.
We're going to have to amputate your tool.

The man screams in horror "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion".
The doctor replies "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want but surgery is your only choice".

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his tool and proclaims

"Ah yes, Mongolian VD. Vely lare disease". The guy says to the doctor "Yeah yeah, I already know that but what we can do?

My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my tool?" The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs "Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. They make more money that way. No need to opelate!"

"Oh Thank God!" the man replies.

"Yes" says the Chinese doctor "You no worry! Wait two weeks. **** fall off by itself! You save money"

Generic User Name
08-21-2008, 10:37 AM
Pa: “More Jannie.”

Jannie: “More Pa.”

Pa: “Wanneer skryf jy eksamen Jannie?”

Jannie: “More Pa.”

Pa: “More Jannie.”

GeneralG
08-21-2008, 12:21 PM
This old man and woman were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They
were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon when a wave
came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and
couldn't find her so the captain sent the old man back to shore with
the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.

Three weeks went by and finally the old man got an e-mail from the
boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at
the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to
her was an oyster and inside it was a pearl worth $50,000...... please
advise".

So the old man e-mailed back:...

"Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."

spl0it
08-21-2008, 01:14 PM
http://img374.imageshack.us/img374/8084/csiyp2.jpg (http://imageshack.us)

spl0it
08-21-2008, 01:16 PM
http://img47.imageshack.us/img47/9615/csi2th9.jpg (http://imageshack.us)

spl0it
08-21-2008, 01:18 PM
http://img379.imageshack.us/img379/9283/csi3jn6.jpg (http://imageshack.us)

Uncle
08-21-2008, 01:24 PM
Best part of CSI:Miami is the screaming at the beginning. YEAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!

CattleBruiser
08-21-2008, 01:24 PM
"You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to spl0it again."

Unfortunate.

spl0it
08-21-2008, 01:27 PM
Thanks anyways

PR3DATOR
08-21-2008, 01:39 PM
in my best David Caruso voice....

"It seems the victim ran away after getting his genitals sliced off"

Well... I guess he... *puts on Sunglasses* ..didn't have the balls..

OddSock
08-21-2008, 01:49 PM
in my best David Caruso voice....

"It seems the victim ran away after getting his genitals sliced off"

Well... I guess he... *puts on Sunglasses* ..didn't have the balls..

*lol*

Oooh ooh, my turn!

"The doctor was killed before he could perform the circumcision"

Well... I guess he... *puts on Sunglasses* ..didn't make the cut...

spl0it
08-21-2008, 01:59 PM
http://img292.imageshack.us/img292/8416/csi4cm6.jpg (http://imageshack.us)

Q121
08-21-2008, 02:05 PM
THese are brilliant!!! Where are you getting them from?

spl0it
08-21-2008, 02:07 PM
Got them on Mail, I did the last one

Generic User Name
08-22-2008, 08:29 AM
With apologies to the regular readers of this thread :tongue:

News just out...

South Africa took three gold medals this morning...

...Security caught them at the gate.

Black Sh33p
08-22-2008, 09:07 AM
5FM is the only Radio station hey Generic?

Generic User Name
08-22-2008, 10:30 AM
Black sh33p, sorry the little known about yet often abused "Journalists Oath" prevents me from revealing my sources :tongue:

with that in mind I still wonder who did the research for this one.

http://i144.photobucket.com/albums/r189/dontclick_photo/sperm_headline.gif

Ewie
08-27-2008, 03:56 PM
Tea Service
One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me and my brother who is four years older than I am. I was maybe 1 and a half years old and had just recovered from an accident in
which my arm had been broken. Someone had given me a little `tea set` as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys.
Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news and my brother was playing nearby in the living room when I brought Daddy a little cup of `tea`, which was just water.
After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was `just the cutest thing!!`
My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up, then says, `Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet??`

GeneralG
08-27-2008, 04:00 PM
Hasie gaan draf eendag deur die woud toe hy vir Kameelperd 'n vet dagga splif sien rol. Hasie check haar hier van onner af uit: "Giraffe, my sista, hoekom roek djy dagga? Kom draf saam met my deurie bos man. Dis baie meer gesond. Djy sal sien djy voel baie bieter na die tyd. " Kameelperd check vir Hasie, check die joint uit, gooi dit weg en begin saam met Hasie draf.



'n Rukkie later kom hulle by Olifant wat besig is om stywe lyne cocaine te snuif deur 'n R200 noot. Hasie begin toe hanna aan Olifant ook: "Ag nei Olifant, los daai coke, djou nies gaat verdwyn. Kom draf liewe saam met ons. Djy sal check djy voel sommer honnerd keer bieter ou pl." Olifant check hulle uit, kyk na sy coke, moer dit weg en begin saam te draf.



Die drie diere draf 'n bakshot deur die bos en kom toe op Leeu af met sy padkaart-o, besig om herone te spike. "Leeu!" s Hasie. "Wat maak djy my ou? Wil jy nie sa..." Skielik gee Leeu vir Hasie 'n moerse klap en spike verder. Verslae kyk Olifant en Kameelperd vir Leeu aan.



"Hoekom de vok het jy die arme outjie so hard gamoer?" vra Olifant. Leeu s toe: " Want daai klein stront laat my elke keer soos 'n dom donner saam met hom deur die bos hardloop as hy op Ecstacy is!"

Generic User Name
08-28-2008, 09:54 AM
The Average South African

A recent study conducted by Wits University found that the average South African walks about 1200 kms a year. Another study by the South African Medical Association found that South Africans drink, on average, 100 litres of alcohol a year. This means, on average, South Africans get about 12 kms to the litre.

Kind of makes you proud to be South African.

Uncle
08-28-2008, 12:19 PM
http://img98.imageshack.us/img98/1692/image001bb4.jpg (http://imageshack.us)

scratchy
08-28-2008, 12:25 PM
Thanks to Milez for this one:

1. If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go,

because, man, they're gone.

2. If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We
might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason."

3. To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you
walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" You
can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."

4. One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take
my nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out
warehouse. "Oh no," I said, "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried,
but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started
to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.

5. The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the
face.

6. If you lived in the Dark Ages and you were a catapult operator, I bet the
most common question people would ask is, "Can't you make it shoot farther?"
"No, I'm sorry. That's as far as it shoots."

7. Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo,
flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful
rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his
feet. And also, you're drunk.

8. I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our
children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.


9. If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is,
"God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to
tell him is, "Probably because of something you did."


10. If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror,
because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic.


11. Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first
instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant and she fell on
me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.


12. To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography
and the dancers hit each other.


13. I hope if dogs ever take over the world and they choose a king, they
don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some
good ideas.


14. If life deals you lemons, why not go kill someone with the lemons (maybe
by shoving them down his throat).


15. Instead of having "answers" on a math test, they should just call them
"impressions," and if you got a different "impression," so what, can't we
all be brothers?


16. Probably the earliest fly swatters were nothing more than some sort of
striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.


17. I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that
I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was
thinking about doing that anyway.


18. I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. And
since he's so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and hand
it to him.


19. Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at that word
itself. MANKIND. Basically, it's made up of two separate words "mank" and
"ind." What do these words mean? It's a mystery and that's why so is
mankind.


20. If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying
forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.

scratchy
08-28-2008, 12:27 PM
21. It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I
guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking
back and forth, wanting that money.


22. If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking a beer, I
bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.


23. To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered
where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus
and a clown killed my dad.


24. As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again,
I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking
and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.


25. I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And
I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.


26. I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my
brain, because later you might think you're having a good idea but it's just
eggs hatching.


27. Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in
the room talking to you, which is why I don't like to read goodbooks.


28. What is it about a beautiful sunny afternoon, with the birds singing and
the wind rustling through the leaves, that makes you want to get drunk? And
after you're real drunk, maybe go down to the public park and stagger around
and ask people for money, and then lay down and go to sleep.


29. Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it,
and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a regular
window.


30. During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not
putting on your armor because you were "just going down to the corner."


31. If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I
am now.


32. When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the
police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started
wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns.


33. I remember how my great-uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and whittle
all day long. Once he whittled me a toy boat out of a larger toy boat I had.
It was almost as good as the first one, except now it had bumpy whittle
marks all over it. And no paint, because he had whittled off the paint.


34. Here's a good thing to do if you go to a party and you don't know
anybody: First take out the garbage. Then go around and collect any extra
garbage that people might have, like a crumpled napkin, and take that out
too. Pretty soon people will want to meet the busy garbage guy.


35. Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights,
even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is you're
talking to. Then on the way out, slam the door.


36. If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it
would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a
magazine.


37. If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think
it's okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, to teach
him to do some tricks. But only if you're serious about adopting the
vulture.

scratchy
08-28-2008, 12:27 PM
38. Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me?


39. If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while
you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a
truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell you.


40. One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don't run with
a wooden stake.


41. If you go to a costume party at your boss's house, wouldn't you think a
good costume would be to dress up like the boss's wife? Trust me, it's not.


42. Most of the time it was probably real bad being stuck down in a dungeon.
But some days, when there was a bad storm outside, you'd look out your
little window and think, "Boy, I'm glad I'm not out in that."


43. Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here,
looking through your stuff.


44. For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: why not add a
slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness?

45. I'd like to see a nature film where an eagle swoops down and pulls a
fish out of a lake, and then maybe he's flying along, low to the ground, and
the fish pulls a worm out of the ground. Now that's a documentary.


46. If I was the head of a country that lost a war, and I had to sign a
peace treaty, just as I was signing, I'd glance over the treaty and then
suddenly act surprised. "Wait a minute! I thought we won!"


47. Sometimes you have to be careful when selecting a new name for yourself.
For instance, let's say you have chosen the nickname "Fly Head." Normally
you would think that "fly Head" would mean a person who has beautiful
swept-back features, as if flying through the air. But think again. Couldn't
it also mean "having a head like a fly"? I'm afraid some people might
actually think that.


48. Somebody told me how frightening it was how much topsoil we are losing
each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared.


49. I hope that after I die, people will say of me: "That guy sure owed me a
lot of money."

50. I think a good product would be "Baby Duck Hat." It's a fake baby duck,
which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until
you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then all of a
sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man those
ducks really take off! Also Baby Duck Hat is good for parties.

Q121
08-28-2008, 12:38 PM
Scrathy those things are so.... random!!!!

scratchy
08-28-2008, 12:40 PM
...like a flock of sea cows

Uncle
08-28-2008, 12:46 PM
or a school of potato rabbits

scratchy
08-28-2008, 12:53 PM
or that thing that hangs on your dogs testicles

GeneralG
08-28-2008, 01:01 PM
23. To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered
where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus
and a clown killed my dad.

....I blew a snot bubble when I read that one....

sgt-squall
08-28-2008, 03:12 PM
I lol'ed

http://i135.photobucket.com/albums/q129/sgt-squall/pic18716.jpg

CerealKILLA
08-28-2008, 03:20 PM
....I blew a snot bubble when I read that one....

And I blew one when I read this LOL

GeneralG
08-29-2008, 09:34 AM
Barry Hilton One Liners...

1. I was so poor growing up... if I wasn't a boy... I'd have had
nothing to play with.

2. A girl phoned me the other day & said, "Come on over; nobody's
home." I went over. Nobody was home.

3. During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the
other night she called me from a hotel.

4.. One day I came home early from work... I saw a guy jogging naked.
I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said
"Because you came home early".

5. It's been a rough day. I got up this morning... put a shirt on & a
button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, & the handle came off. I'm
afraid to go to the bathroom.

6. I was such an ugly kid... When I played in the sandbox, the cat
kept covering me up.

7. I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster & radio.

8. I was such an ugly baby... My mother never breast fed me. She told
me that she only liked me as a friend.

9. I'm so ugly... My father carries around a picture of the kid who
came with his wallet.

10.. When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room & said to
my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled
through."

11. I'm so ugly... my mother had morning sickness... AFTER I was born.

12. I remember the time that I was kidnapped & they sent a piece of my
finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

13. Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, & asked him to help me
find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?"
He said, "I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."

14. My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

15. I'm so ugly... I worked in a pet shop, & people kept asking how
big I'd get.

16. I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up & I
look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up; what's wrong with me?"
He said... "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."

17. I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping
pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks & get some rest.

18. With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my
kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.

19. Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves
a pyramid. His favourite bone is my arm. Last night he went on the
paper 4 times - 3 of those times I was reading it.

20. One year they wanted to make me poster boy - for birth control.

21. My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in
the electric chair.

scratchy
08-29-2008, 09:39 AM
Ahhh Hilton, what a ******* legend

OddSock
08-29-2008, 09:39 AM
Those are all actually Rodney Dangerfield quotes. :/

spl0it
08-29-2008, 09:43 AM
Yip, Hilton rips off lots of other guy's material.

Only his east-rand jokes are sometimes his.

Uncle
08-29-2008, 09:45 AM
Three women friends, one in a casual relationship, one engaged to be married and one a long-time wife, met for drinks after work.

The conversation eventually drifted towards how best to spice up their sexlives.

After much discussion, they decided to surprise their men by engaging insome S&M role playing.

The following week they met up again to compare notes.



Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, 'Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat.

When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels.

He was so aroused that we made mad passionate love on his desk right then and there!'



The engaged woman giggled and said, 'That's pretty much my story!

When my fianc got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps.

He was so turned on that we not only made out all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!



The married woman put her glass down and said, 'I did a lot of planning.

I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's.

I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos.

I finished it off with a black mask.

When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, 'Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?''

Reynder van der Bank
08-29-2008, 01:03 PM
Hou jou rassistiese grappies vir jou self.

Someones got "Kalender koors"!

OddSock
08-29-2008, 01:06 PM
Someones got "Kalender koors"!

someone's got banned.

spl0it
08-29-2008, 01:12 PM
What a Friday! We even had a Banning...
Who knows someone might even post something about a game today

OddSock
08-29-2008, 01:13 PM
I wouldn't get my hopes up. :P

scratchy
08-29-2008, 01:15 PM
I've got pirated games for sale. Does that count?

Q121
08-29-2008, 01:16 PM
Who knows someone might even post something about a game today

I am glad you posted that in the joke section ............ ;)

noFriends
08-29-2008, 01:16 PM
the banhammer strikes!

ZenFire
08-29-2008, 01:17 PM
Banned after 4 posts impressive!

bokka1
08-29-2008, 01:20 PM
I don't know who banned him (Oddsock?) but thanks.

Now we can get back to the jokes. The batman one was funny and will be told tonight to my wife.

noFriends
08-29-2008, 01:25 PM
lol Bokka, I think your wife will enjoy that one!!

We must go for tequilas again :D

noFriends
08-29-2008, 01:27 PM
just to get the thread back on track:

A man and his wife are in court getting a divorce. The problem was who
should get custody of the child. The wife jumped up and said:
"Your Honour, I brought the child into the world with pain and labour.
She should be in my custody".
The judge turns to the husband and says "What do you have to say in
your defence?" The man sat for a while contemplating. Then slowly
rose.

"Your Honour, if I put a Rand in a vending machine and a Coke comes out,
Whose Coke is it, the machines' or mine?"

Generic User Name
09-01-2008, 07:06 AM
These three guys die in a car wreck and they all go to Hell. When they arrive the Devil asks each of the men what their sin was.

The first guy says, "It's gotta be the booze. I'm always drunk."
The Devil decides to lock him in a room with nothing but shelves of every kind of alcohol imaginable.
The guy's thinking, awesome! Look at all this alcohol!" and runs into the room.

The second guy says, "It's the women, I could never stay faithful to my wife."
The devil opens up the second door and inside is nothing but the finest looking naked women as far as the eye can see. The guy was to be locked in for 100 years. He couldn't believe it and his luck and he went running into the room as the Devil locked the door behind him.

The third dude says, "It's gotta be the bud. I'm always tokin' up."
The Devil opens the third door to reveal nothing but fields of 10ft tall icky, sticky, take-a-toke, make-ya-choke, chronic, green, death bud. The stoner can't believe it. He goes in and takes a seat Indian style with his back to the door and the Devil shuts and locks the door.

One hundred years pass and the Devil returns to check on the three men.
He opens the first door and the man comes crawling out. He's got an empty bottle in one hand, he's completely naked, hasn't shaved or showered in years, and is covered in his own puke, faeces , and ur*ne. "I'll never drink again!" he says. The devil says it's good he learned something and decides to give him a second shot at life.

The devil then opens the second door and the man comes running out twice as fast as when he went in. "I'm g*y, I'm g*y!, I never want to see another woman" he screams. The devil figures he's learned not to cheat on his wife and decides to give him a second chance too.

The devil then comes to the third door. He opens it and sees nothing has changed. The stoner is still sitting there in the same position that he was 100 years ago.
The Devil asks him if he's learned anything.
The stoner turns around as a tear rolls down his cheek, "Dude ... you got a light?"

CerealKILLA
09-01-2008, 09:54 AM
Con***ius Say...
• Grease monkey who go to bed without bathing wake up oily in the morning.
• Man who run in front of car get tired.
• Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
• Baseball is wrong - man with four balls cannot walk.
• War doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is left.
• Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.
• Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
• It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it.
• Man who drive like hell bound to get there.
• Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.
• Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.
• Don't eat the snow where the huskies go!
• Support bacteria -- it's the only culture some people have!
• Man who lose key to apartment not get new key.
• He who sitteth on an upturned tack shall surely rise.
• Even the greatest of whales is helpless in middle of desert.
• Man who sit on tack get point!
• Man who jumps off cliff, jumps to conclusion!
• Man that is stuck in pantry has his ass in jam.
• Man standing on toilet is high on pot.
• Secretary not permanent fixture until screwed on top of desk
• Man who stick foot in mouth get athlete's tongue!
• Man who live in glass house should not throw parties!
• Man that go to bed with itchy butt wake up with sticky fingers!
• When called an idiot sometimes is better to be quiet, than open mouth and remove all doubt.
• "Man with glass house must dress in basement!"
• Everyone has a photographic memory, some people just don't have film!
• Passionate kiss like spider's web, soon lead to undoing of fly.
• Virginity like bubble, one prick all gone.
• Man who behaves like an ass will be the butt of those who crack jokes.
• Marriage is like game of poker. You start with pair and end with full house.
• Man who run behind car get exhausted.
• Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
• Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
• Man with one chopstick go hungry.
• He who thinks only of number one must remember this number is next to nothing
• Man who farts in church sits in his own pew!
• Hole happy, whole body happy.
• He who stands on toilet, is high on pot.
• He who makes love in grass, gets piece on earth.
• Wash your face in the morning, neck at night.
• He who eats too many prunes, sits on toilet many moons.
• Elevator smell different to midget.
• Work to become, not to acquire.
• A bird in hand makes hard to blow nose.
• Man who put head on Railroad track to listen for train likely to end up with splitting headache.
• Man who tell one too many light bulb jokes will soon burn out!
• Don't drink and park, accidents cause people.
• War does not determine who's right, war determines who's left.
• Those who quote me are fools.
• Con***ius say too damn much.

Ranz
09-01-2008, 10:28 AM
Funny rejection letter - from the Joke File (http://www.jokefile.co.uk/office_jokes/rejection-letter.html)



Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.

ESCAPEE
Definition: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic/embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receivewhen passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter at the urinal, pretend that you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with 'ESCAPEE')
Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine guns pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen do not panic, remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH
Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the 'WALK OF SHAME'.

WALK OF SHAME
Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk-up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER
Definition: A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out of the Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out of the Closet pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN)
Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of 'OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPERS' and identify 'SAFE HAVENS'.

SAFE HAVEN
Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR
Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that occur when work taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH
Definition: A phony cough which alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a 'WATERMELON' or to alert potential 'TURD BURGLARS'. Very effective when used in conjunction with an 'ASTAIRE'.

ASTAIRE
Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential 'TURD BURGLARS' that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an 'ASTAIRE', leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON
Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a 'WATERMELON' coming on, create a diversion. See 'CAMO-COUGH'.

HAVANA OMELET
Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an escapee. Try using a 'CAMO-COUGH' with an 'ASTAIRE'.

UNCLE TED
Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An 'UNCLE TED' makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

FLY BY Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in, check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a 'FREQUENT FLYER'. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

CRACK WH0RE
Definition: A crapper that has seen more ass than a Greyhound Bus. Tell tale signs of a 'CRACK wh0re' include pubes, **** stains and **** streaks. Avoid CRACK *****S at all cost. Try finding out when the janitor cleans each particular bathroom. Don't forget, a 'CRACK wh0re' can become a SAFEHAVEN.

OddSock
09-01-2008, 11:41 AM
How to beat the economic crisis.

# If you are getting threatening calls from a debt collector, shoplift a crossbow from Cash Crusaders and arrange to meet the man who is harassing you.

Tell him you have the money at your house, then hide in the garden and, when you see him walking down the driveway, shoot him in the throat. You are allowed to do this because he is trespassing. He won’t come back and the debt will be written off.

# Draw up a groceries budget, bearing in mind that a single can of beer has the same nutritional value as a three-course meal. Solid food is expensive and frequently causes cancer.

# Consolidate your debt. Go through your house and retrieve all the final demands and lawyers’ letters that have accumulated over the years. Once they have been consolidated into a pile, take them outside and use them to start the braai. This saves on fire lighters.

# Keep a jar full of cash for rainy days. Keep another jar for sunny days.

# Borrow money from whoever will give it to you and hit the banks for credit cards. Remember to always provide a false address. By the time the sheriff tracks you down, the judiciary will consist of Julius Malema and a donkey.

# Ensure you’re on the right road to freeing yourself from debt permanently. If you live in Cape Town, it’s the N2 that goes to the international airport. In Durban you’ll need the M4, and in Johannesburg take the R24.

# Diversify your investments. Instead of spending it all at the casino, keep some for the horses, the dog fights and your neighbour’s pyramid scheme.

# Cut back on doctors’ bills by not going to the doctor. You will get better. Or you will die. You score either way.

# Control your wife’s spending habits — cut off one of her legs.

# Sell your house. When the new owner arrives to move in, pretend you have never seen him before and set the dogs on his family.

# Freewheeling: if the hill is long enough and the tailwind is right, you can reach speeds of up to 240km/h. Don’t stop for anything. Saving petrol is more important than saving lives.

# If you have children, take them out of school and put them to work. Even a six-year-old can bring in enough money to fund a weekend of moderate debauchery.

# Instead of using the dishwasher, let the dog clean your dinner plates. This also saves on pet food.

# Turn your double-door fridge into a guest bedroom and rent it out by the hour to local *****s.

# Global warming helps reduce your heating bill. Enlarge your carbon footprint every day.

The Times - How to beat the economic crisis (http://www.thetimes.co.za/Careers/Article.aspx?id=832396)

Ranz
09-01-2008, 01:13 PM
Here's one of those word games where you have to change the top word into the bottom word

SEAL
* * * *
* * * *
* * * *
COAT

Scroll down for answer Answer:-











SEAL
Club
Club
Club
COAT

Generic User Name
09-02-2008, 10:00 AM
a few short ones to help GeneralG not feel so "asterix asterix asterix asterix" today !

Wat is die verskil tussen 'n vark en 'n student?
'n Vark raak nie 'n student na twee biere nie.


--------

'n Man was per motor op pad werk toe toe hy in 'n botsing betrokke is en bewusteloos gestamp word. Verbygangers het hom uit die wrak gehaal en bygebring. Skielik begin hy vreeslik spartel en die paramedici moes hom 'n kalmeerinspuiting gee. Nadat hy gekalmeer het, vra iemand hom hoekom hy so gespartel het. "Ek onthou die slag, maar niks daarna nie," s hy. "Toe ek bykom, l ek op 'n betonblad voor 'n groot verligte 'Shell'-teken. Maar iemand het voor die 'S' gestaan ..."



--------

Die juffrou vra: "Klas, s vir my wat gee hoenders?"

Marietjie antwoord: "Eiers, Juffrou."

"Nou wie kan vir my s wat gee boerbokke?" Sannie s "Bokmelk, Juffrou."

"En wat gee 'n koei ons?"

Jannie antwoord "Wiskunde en huiswerk, Juffrou!"

GeneralG
09-02-2008, 12:04 PM
An old, white haired man walked into a jewelery store one Friday evening
with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was
looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.


The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a R5,000 ring and
showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I
want something very special." At that statement, the jeweler went to his
special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at
only R40,000," the jeweler said.


The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with
excitement.



The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it." The jeweler asked how
payment would be made and the old man stated, by cheque. " I know you
need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now and you can
call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up
Monday afternoon" he said.


Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's No
money in that account."


"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"

Uncle
09-03-2008, 05:27 PM
I had to share I thought this was very funny.

I get a support message the other day and the message is:

"I have a problem"

Thats it.... now what makes this funny is the following was in his signature:

"People who know little are usually great talkers, while men who know much say little - Jean-Jacques Rousseau"

Just found it really funny and ironic :D

Generic User Name
09-04-2008, 06:45 AM
It was entertainment night at the Senior Centre. Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: "I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotise each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket
Watch from his coat "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch.

It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations" He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, and watch the watch..." The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.

Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"SH*T" cried the Hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the Senior Centre.

bokka1
09-05-2008, 03:19 PM
A koala was sitting on a gum tree....... smoking a joint


when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said,
'Hey Koala! What are you doing?'


The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.'

So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala
where they enjoyed a few joints.

After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry'
and that he was going to get a drink from the river.
The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned too far
over and fell into the river.

A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and
helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard,
'What's the matter with you?'

The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he
was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree,
got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked
into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was
sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said,
'Hey you!'



So the koala looked down at him and said,




'Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude.....
How much water did you drink?!!'

GrootWillie
09-08-2008, 11:06 AM
Pieter de Villiers is genooi na As****tertjie se bal. Hy gaan glo as 'n pampoen.
Wanneer die klok middernag slaan hoop hy om in 'n "coach" te verander.

Ranz
09-08-2008, 11:54 AM
A Australian and an New Zealander were seated next to an Englishman on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.

"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Australian bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me."

"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the New Zealander responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelette and told me she could never love another man."

When the Englishman remained silent, the Australian smugly asked, "and how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"

"Once," he replied.

"Only once?" the New Zealander arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?"

"Don't stop."

Generic User Name
09-09-2008, 08:36 AM
A father asks his 10-year-old son if he knows about the birds and the bees.

I dont want to know! the child says, bursting into tears. Promise me you wont tell me!

Confused, the father asks whats wrong.

Oh, dad, the boy sobs. When I was six, I got the Theres no Santa speech. At seven, I got the Theres no Easter Bunny speech. When I was eight, you hit me with the Theres no tooth fairy speech. If youre going to tell me that grownups dont really have sex, Ill have nothing left to live for.

Ranz
09-10-2008, 12:06 PM
1. A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.

2. An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didnt happen today.

3. A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.

4. An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane.

5. A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didnt know you had in a way you dont understand.

6. A mathematician is like a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat that isnt there.

7. A topologist is a someone who doesnt know the difference between a coffee cup and doughnut.

8. A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a "brief."

9. A psychologist is someone who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.

10. A professor is one who talks in someone elses sleep.

11. A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.

12. A committee is a body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

Ranz
09-10-2008, 03:45 PM
The Epol Diet
I was buying a large bag of Epol dog food at Pick 'n Pay and standing in a queue at the check-out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her no, I was starting the Epol Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in hospital last time, but that I'd lost 22 kilos before I awoke in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that all you do is load your pockets with Epol nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. And I told her that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. I have to mention here that by now, practically everyone in the queue was enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in hospital in that condition because I'd been poisoned. I told her no; it was because I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

Stupid cow... why else would I buy dog food?

isues
09-10-2008, 03:52 PM
^^^^ Now thats classic man.

Generic User Name
09-11-2008, 07:44 AM
Three blokes from Brakpan were working up on a cell phone tower - Frik, Piet and Koos.

As they start their descent Frik slips and falls off the tower and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Piet says, "Well, damn, someone should go and tell his wife."

Koos says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Castle.

Piet says, "Where did you get that beer, Koos?"

"Frik's wife gave it to me," Koos replies.

"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?"

Well, not exactly", Koos says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, you must be Frik's widow'."

She said, "You must be mistaken, I'm not a widow." Then I said "I'll bet you a case of Castle you are. "

Q121
09-11-2008, 08:03 AM
^^^^^^

Haha thats horrible...... haha

IgWaBaBa
09-11-2008, 08:43 AM
HUSBAND'S LETTER

A husband wrote the following letter for his wife and left it on the
dining room table:

'To My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54
years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you, and I value
you as a good wife.

Therefore, after reading this letter I hope you will
not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my
18-year-old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel.

Please don't be upset - I shall be back home before midnight.'

------------------------

When the man came home late that night he found the following letter on
the dining room table:

'To My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54
years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you
are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local
college.

I would like to inform you that while you're at the Comfort Inn,
I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the
assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, he
is 18 years old.

As a successful businessman with an excellent knowledge of math, you
will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one
small difference; 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.

Therefore I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.'

Q121
09-11-2008, 02:19 PM
Jacob Zuma wants to redecorate his office.
He's got a budget of R100 000
He calls three contractors to give him quotes.

The first guy comes in with a laser-pointer measuring tape gadget and a laptop with the latest interior decorating software. His quote is R90 000.

The second guy, an Indian from Durban, comes in with pencil and a ruler. Checks the place out and gives a R20 000 quote.
Zuma asks him : How? can it be so cheap?
The indian says he's got a cousin that can give him cheap supplies and he gets guys that work for him for R50 a day. Cheap-cheap.

The third guy, Zuma's old buddy Shabir, also wants to quote for the job.
Zuma tells him: How? You're not even a carpenter or a builder. What is your quote going to be?

Shabir says: Easy, R40 000 for you R40 000 for me and we get the guy from durban to do the job.

Generic User Name
09-12-2008, 08:11 AM
I really hope JMPD don't see these.

Zero Tolerance Speed Camera

http://i144.photobucket.com/albums/r189/dontclick_photo/432341-image001_53886_43234_1.jpg

Uncle
09-15-2008, 10:53 AM
The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair . . .Kill her!!'

The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.'

The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for a bout 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my
wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on
the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.

'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to beat him to death with the chair.'



MORAL:
Women are crazy. Don't mess with them

Uncle
09-15-2008, 10:58 AM
Two Jewish men, Sid and Al, were sitting in a Indian restaurant in New York ..
Sid asked Al, 'Are there any Jewish people of our faith born and raised in India ?'

Al replied, 'I don't know, let's just ask our waiter.'

When the waiter came by, Al asked him, 'Are there any Indian Jews?'

The waiter said, 'I doont by knowing, I ask cooksaheb..' He returned from the kitchen in a few minutes and said, 'No ser, no Indian Jews.'

Al wasn't really satisfied with that and asked, 'Are you absolutely sure?'

The waiter, realizing he was dealing with 'foreigners] gave the expected answer, 'I check again,' and went back into the kitchen.

While the waiter was away in the kitchen, Sid said, 'I find it hard to believe that there are no Jews in India , our people are scattered everywhere.'

The waiter returned and said, 'Cooksaheb say there is no Indian Jews.'

'Are you certain?' Al asked once again, 'I just can't believe there are no Indian Jews!'
'Mudder choot ! Listen, I asked EVERYONE,' replied the frustrated waiter. 'All we have is Orange Jews, Apple Jews & Tomato Jews!'

Broken
09-15-2008, 05:57 PM
Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each. The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest, and started catching them.

The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.

Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on his behalf.

In the man's absence, the assistant told the villagers. "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each."

The villagers rounded up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys. Then they never saw the man nor his assistant, only monkeys everywhere!

Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works.

CerealKILLA
09-16-2008, 09:28 AM
Kleindogter werk as prostituut en word in 'n klopjag deur polisie gevang.

Almal staan in 'n ry en details word geneem.

Ouma stap verby en vra: "My kind wat maak jy hier?"

"Die polisie deel lemoene uit ouma, ek staan in die ry om een te kry."

"Dan wil ek ook een h" s ouma en staan ook in die ry.

Polisieman kom by ouma en vra "Hoe kan jy dit op jou ouderdom doen?"

"Maklik" s ouma, "ek haal net my valstande uit, dop die vel om en suig hom
droog!!"

Goose
09-16-2008, 09:30 AM
Pure Genius

Generic User Name
09-17-2008, 07:48 AM
President Mbeki goes on an official state visit to a small country in the middle of Africa. At the airport he is met by this country's Minister of Harbours. All of a sudden President Mbeki realizes that this is absurd, this country has no harbours as it is landlocked! He is very puzzled and decides to find out what the story is.

At the official state banquet later that evening, he leans over to the President and asks, "Mr. President, why do you have a Minister of Harbours when you don't have any harbours?"

The President looks President Mbeki straight in the eye and says, "Well you know that may be true Thabo, but I was just as puzzled at why you have a Minister of Law and Order?"

Grofft
09-17-2008, 07:57 AM
Sorry, I was hypnotized by your freaky avatar, Generic.

GeneralG
09-17-2008, 07:59 AM
Yeah! me too....

I had to scroll down until it was off the screen before I could concentrate on reading.

ZenFire
09-17-2008, 08:38 AM
A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store.
The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious!
She stormed past the store to her work.
On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." She was incredibly ticked now.
The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager replied profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again.
When the lady walked past the store that day after work theparrot called to her, "Hey lady."
She paused and said,"Yes?"
The bird said, "You know.

----------------------------

Through the pitch-black night, the captain sees a light dead ahead on a collision course with his ship. He sends a signal: “Change your course 10 degree east.”
The light signals back: “Change yours, 10 degrees west.”
Angry, the captain sends: “I’m a navy captain! Change your course, sir!”
“I’m a seaman, second class,” comes the reply. “Change your course, sir.”
Now the captain is furious. “I’m a battleship! I’m not changing course!”
There is one last reply. “I’m a lighthouse. Your call.”

-----------------------------

http://i136.photobucket.com/albums/q166/lkpdutch/Funny%20Pics/funny.jpg

ZenFire
09-17-2008, 09:07 AM
Sorry for the double post but I am behind with my jokes this one is brilliant:

A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus that can play any musical instrument in the world.
Everyone in the bar laughs at the man, calling him an idiot.

So he says that he will wager to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play. A customer walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus. Immediately the octopus picks up the guitar and starts playing better than Jimmy Hendrix. The guitar owner pays up.

Another customer walks up with a trumpet. This time the octopus plays the trumpet better than Miles Davis. The trumpet-owner coughs up.

Then Jim, a Scotsman plunks some bagpipes on the table. The octopus fumbles with the bagpipes for a minute and then backs off with a confused look.

"Ha!" the Scot says. "Can ye nae plae it?"

The octopus looks up at him and says: "Play it? ....I'm going to shag it as soon as I figure out how to get its pyjamas off !!! "

--------------------------

http://www.ukrease.co.za/images/icons/LittleSylvester.gif (http://www.ukrease.co.za/index.php?topic=JOTD)A man escapes from a prison where he had been kept for 15 years.
As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it, looking for money and guns, but only finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him up in a chair. While tying the girl up to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn't seen a woman in years.

I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, just give him satisfaction.

This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear.
He told me he was ***, thought you were cute, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom.

Be strong, honey, I love you, too."

singularity2012
09-17-2008, 09:09 AM
A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and
Noticed he had his collar on backwards.

The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.
The man, who was a priest, said 'I am a Father.'

The little boy replied 'My Dad doesn't wear his collar like that.'
The priest looked up from his book and answered 'I am the Father
of many.'

The boy said 'My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and
he doesn't wear his collar that way'
The priest, getting impatient, said 'I am the Father of hundreds'
and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over
and said, 'Maybe you should use a condom and wear your pants
backwards instead of your collar!'

ZenFire
09-17-2008, 09:51 AM
http://www.ukrease.co.za/images/articles/20070517134903795_1.gif
Great people talk about ideas
Average people talk about things
Small people talk about other people
And legends, like us, never talk ... we just drink

---------------------------------

Liar
A man is dying of Cancer.
His son asked him, "Dad, why do u keep telling people u're dying of AIDS?"
Answer: "So when I'm dead no one will dare touch ur mom!"

Three Feelings
What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant,
Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant,
and Panic is when both are pregnant.

Chinese Adam & Eve
If Adam and Eve were Chinese, we would still be in paradise because they would have ignored the apple and eaten the snake

Bead
09-17-2008, 10:58 AM
John wakes up after the annual office Christmas party with a splitting
headache and cotton-mouth, and is unable to recall the events of the
preceding evening.

After going to the bathroom, he makes his way downstairs, where his wife
puts a cup of coffee in front of him.

"Louise," he moans, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I
think?"

"Even worse," she says, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete ass of
yourself. You antagonized the entire board of directors and insulted the
president of the company, right to his face."

"He's an idiot," John says. "**** on him."

"You did," she replies, "and he fired you."

"Well, screw him!" John says.

"I did," she replies. "You're back at work on Monday."

Ranz
09-17-2008, 11:46 AM
Jimmy Carr quotes:

My girlfriend sat me down the other day for a chat. I say 'chat', it was her talking at me for six hours. I didn't realise that when men say they're 'spoken for' that's actually what they mean. She said "Jimmy, our relationship is at a crossroads. Down one road is struggle and hardship, but eventually, happiness. The other, well, that's a dead end." So I replied, "That's not a crossroads, that's a T-Junction".
--------

Throwing acid is wrong, in some people's eyes.
--------

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, "Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?" I said, "All right, but we won't get much done."
-------

I said to my girlfriend, you shouldn't eat before you swim. She said, "why not"? I said, you look fat.

Bead
09-17-2008, 11:54 AM
On his first day on the job, the trainee dialled the kitchen and
shouted into the phone: "Get me a F***ING cup of coffee, quickly!"

The voice from the other side responded: "You fool, you've dialed the
wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to?"

"No," replied the trainee.

"It's the Managing Director of the company, idiot!"

The trainee shouted back: "And do you know who YOU are F***ING talking
to, you F***ING idiot?"

"No!" replied the Managing Director indignantly

"Thank F**K for that!" replied the trainee and slammed down the phone.

Generic User Name
09-17-2008, 12:08 PM
Oh so that is who made the call this morning, BEAD please see me in my office immediately ! :tongue:

MajSkollie
09-17-2008, 12:12 PM
3 bodies
Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on
their faces. Along with them comes a police inspector to find out how
they died.

"First body: Frenchman, 60. Died of heart failure while making love to
his mistress. Hence, the enormous smile, Inspector,"
says the Coroner.

"Second body: Scotsman, 25. Won a thousand pounds on the lottery.Spent
it all on whiskey. Died of alcohol poisoning. Hence the smile."

The Inspector asks, "What of the third body?"

"Ah," says the Coroner, "this is the most unusual one.

Sipho, a street sweeper from Soweto, 30. Struck by lightning."

"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.

Thought he was having his picture taken."

Goose
09-17-2008, 12:14 PM
Oh so that is who made the call this morning, BEAD please see me in my office immediately ! :tongue:

Dude, you need to change your avatar. I can't stop staring at the damn thing!

Bead
09-17-2008, 12:15 PM
Oh so that is who made the call this morning, BEAD please see me in my office immediately ! :tongue:

hahaha, I'm fasting so it wasn't:tongue:

**goes out to lunch8-O**

jj

singularity2012
09-17-2008, 03:44 PM
Should children witness childbirth?

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call.

The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.

Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place......smack him again!"

singularity2012
09-18-2008, 08:48 AM
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off, go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.

GeneralG
09-18-2008, 08:58 AM
Shaun left to go help in the Crusades and
decided that his wife Melisa should wear a chastity
belt. (Steel underwear) So he locks her up and
gives the key to his best friend, Bill. He
tells him, 'If I'm not back in four years, unlock
my wife and set her free to live a normal life.'
So, Shaun leaves on horseback and about a half hour
later, he sees a cloud of dust behind him. He waits
for it to come closer and sees Bill.
'What's wrong?' He asks. Bill replies almost out of breath,
“You gave me the wrong key!”

singularity2012
09-18-2008, 09:00 AM
A guy decides to have a party where his guests are asked to come as different emotions e.g. fear etc. On the night of the party, the first guest arrives and the host opens the door to see a guy covered in green paint with the letters N and V painted on his chest.

He says to this guy, "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?" and the guy says, "I'm green with NV". The host replies, "Brilliant, come on in and have a drink".


A few minutes later the next guest arrives and the host opens the door to see a woman covered in a pink body stocking with a feather boa wrapped around her most intimate parts.

He says to this woman "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?" She replies, "I'm tickled pink". The host says, "I love it, come on in and join the party".

A couple of minutes later the doorbell goes for the third time, and the host opens the door to see two Irish blokes, Paddy and Mick, standing stark naked one with his knob in a bowl of custard, and the other with his knob stuck in a pear.

The host is really shocked and says, "Well, what the **** are you both doing? You could get arrested standing like that out there in the street. Anyhow what emotion is this supposed to be?!?!

Paddy replies, "Well, Oim ***n discustard, and Mick here has just come in despair".

Generic User Name
09-18-2008, 09:04 AM
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Innovative

2. Preliminary

3. Proliferation

4. Cinnamon


THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Specificity

2. Anti-constitutionalistically

3. Passive-aggressive disorder

4. Transubstantiate


THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. No thanks, Im married.

2. Nope, no more booze for me!

3. Sorry, but youre not really my type.

4. Steers ? No thanks, Im not hungry.

5. Good evening, officer. Isnt it lovely out tonight?

6. Oh, I couldnt! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.

7. Im not interested in fighting you.

8. Thank you, but I wont make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. Id hate to look like a fool!

9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.

10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.

Generic User Name
09-18-2008, 09:07 AM
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparents house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

Oh no, my dear, replied granny. Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even

Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, Hed still be alive if the ice cream truck hadnt come along.

Bead
09-18-2008, 09:34 AM
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.
Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.

She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit.
So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.

She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated
pleasure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.
She went completely ballistic.

"You impotent *******," She screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years?

You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:

"I'll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids."

Ranz
09-18-2008, 10:52 AM
Two IT guys were talking in a bar after work. "Guess what," says the first IT guy, "I met this gorgeous blonde in a bar." "What did you do?" says the other IT guy. "Well, I invited her over to my place, we had a couple of drinks, we got into the mood and then she suddenly asked me to take all her clothes off!" "You're kidding me!" says the second IT guy. "Nope." says the first IT guy. "I took her miniskirt off, and then I lifted her up and put her on my desk, next to my new laptop." "Really?" asked the second IT guy. "You got a new laptop?"

Ranz
09-18-2008, 11:07 AM
http://media.www.thebrownnoser.com/m...-3119861.shtml

"That's What She Said" Joke Made Every Time Archaeology Professor Refers to Bone

The number of inappropriate jokes made by students currently enrolled in Introductory Archaeology is "growing larger than ever," according to Professor Archibald Rogers.

The first incident occurred in early November. Holding up a digit-sized bone during lecture, Rogers remarked to the class on its durability. "It's extremely hard," he noted, "and so large it doesn't even fit into one hand." Rogers recalls that he then heard a student cry out, "That's what she said!" and the classroom dissolved into giggles.

At first, Rogers hoped it would be an isolated incident, but the situation took a turn for the worse the next week when the class began to study the terminology of artifact classification in preparation for an upcoming dig. "Luster, hardness, cleavage, streak-come on! How could that not be what she said?" asked Evan Partridge '09 incredulously.

From then on, the situation only deteriorated. At one point, Rogers recalled, a student even made a "that's what she said" joke in reference to a question on the midterm exam. In an effort to prevent the rest of the class from becoming distracted from their tests and stop writing, Rogers cried out "Don't stop! Don't stop!" The exhortation had such an adverse effect on the class that midterms were completely abandoned.

Since then, the outbursts have increased in number to the point where Rogers said they interfere with his motivation to teach. "The situation is reaching the point where every class is incredibly long and hard," he said. "I don't know if I can take any more of it."

While most students join in on the laughter, some have voiced complaints about the jocular mood. Asked to explain her decision to leave the class, Makaila Farber '09 responded, "I'm hip. I watch 'The Office.' But honestly, the class was getting so annoying that I just couldn't come anymore."

Rogers implores other students in the class to stick it out until the end of the semester. "Come on, guys," he urged. "You can't just pull out when you're not enjoying yourselves anymore."

ZenFire
09-18-2008, 11:23 AM
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on beds next to each other, outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"
The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice-cream. It's a breeze."
The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"
The first kid says, "A circumcision."
And the second kid says, "Whoa, Good luck, buddy, I had that done when I was born... Couldn't walk for a year"

----------------------------

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blond woman wave
at him and say hello. He's rather taken aback, because he can't place
where he knows her from.

So he says, "Do you Know me?" To which she replies, "I think your the father of one of my kids"

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to
his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery and then stuck a carrot up my butt???"

She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's math teacher."

noFriends
09-18-2008, 01:56 PM
It was a sunny Friday morning on the first hole of a busy course

I was beginning my pre-shot routine, visualising my upcoming shot,

when a piercing voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker.

"Would the gentleman on the women's tee back
up to the men's tee
please!" I could feel every eye on the course
looking at me. I was still
deep in my routine, seemingly impervious to the
interruption.
Again the announcement, "Would that MAN on the
WOMEN'S tee kindly back
up to the MEN'S tee."

I simply ignored the announcement and kept
concentrating, when once
more, the man yelled: "Would the MAN on the
WOMEN'S tee back up to the
MEN'S tee, PLEASE!"

Finally, I stopped, turned and looked through the
clubhouse window
directly at the person with the mike. I cupped my hands
and shouted back,

"Would the **** in the clubhouse kindly shut
the **** up and let
me play my second shot?"

GeneralG
09-18-2008, 04:07 PM
A professor was giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for
his audience, he asks "How many people here believe in ghosts?"

About 90 students raise their hands.

Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do
any of you think you've seen a ghost?"

About 40 students raise their hands.

"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone
here ever talked to a ghost?"

About 15 students raise their hands.

"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"

3 students raise their hands.

"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further... Have any
of you ever made love to a ghost?"

Way in the back, Sipho raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses, and says, "Son, all the years I've
been giving this lecture; no one has ever claimed to have made love to a
ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

Sipho nods and a grins, and makes his way up to the podium. When he
reaches the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Sipho, tell us
what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"





Sipho replied, "Eish! From the back I am thinking you say, " Goats!"

Bead
09-19-2008, 09:42 AM
I was at my bank today. There was a short line. Just one lady in front of me. An Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated . . . She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."

The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too!"

Uncle
09-22-2008, 02:23 PM
Stevie Wonder is playing his 1st gig in China and the place is packed to
the rafters. In a bid to break the ice he asks if anyone has a request.
One chap jumps out of his seat in the 1st row and shouts at the top of his
voice "Play a jazz chord ! play a jazz chord!"

Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's career, the
blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes.When he finishes the whole place goes wild. The chap jumps out of his seat again and shouts "No, no, play a

jazz chord, play a jazz chord".

A bit cheesed off by this, Stevie, being the professional he is, dives straight in to a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor
chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd go ballistic with this impromptu show of his musical expertise. But, still the little Chinese man jumps up again and shouts "No, no. Play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord".

Stevie is really pissed off now that this chap doesnt seem to appreciate his playing ability and shouts to him from the stage " OK - smart arse, you
get up here and do it".

The little bloke climbs onto the stage,takes hold of the mike and
starts to sing............

" a jazz chord to say , I ruv you..."

spl0it
09-23-2008, 03:52 PM
http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/frustration.png

Jonni
09-23-2008, 04:01 PM
Stevie Wonder is playing his 1st gig in China and the place is packed...


ROFLMAO: The best joke I've heard in ages! Excuse me while I go and tell it to everyone and make myself look good...

Uncle
09-23-2008, 04:15 PM
YouTube - Internet is for PORN!!

Very funny video using World of Warcraft as a setting :)

Uncle
09-25-2008, 10:38 AM
Sorry about the caps, I got it in an email and just copied it here

TWO OLDMEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS
AND DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN.
AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL


THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS
AND WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER, "GO UP TO THE FIRST
TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED.
THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING
TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON'T KNOW
THE DIFFERENCE."

THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD
MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS.

AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS, "YOU
KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!"

"DEAD?" SAYS HIS FRIEND, "WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?"

"WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE
TIME I WAS LOVING HER."

HIS FRIEND SAYS, "COULD BE WORSE I THINK MINE WAS
A WITCH."

"A WITCH ??. . . WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?"

"WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON
THE NECK, AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE, THEN SHE
FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW... TAKING MY
TEETH WITH HER."

GeneralG
09-25-2008, 02:36 PM
A ventriloquist visiting Australia walks into a small outback village and
sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. So the
ventriloquist figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the
Aussie:

Hey, mind if I talk to your dog?

Aussie: The dog doesn't talk, stupid

Ventriloquist: Hello dog, how's it going mate?

Dog: Doin' all right.

Aussie: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: Is this man your owner? (pointing at the Aussie)

Dog: Yep

Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?

Dog: Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me
to the lake once a week to play.

Aussie: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: Mind if I talk to your horse?

Aussie: Uh, the horse don't talk either. . . . I think.

Ventriloquist: Hey horse, how's it going?

Horse: Cool

Aussie: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: Is this your owner? (pointing at the villager)

Horse: Yep

Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?

Horse: Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me
down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements.

Aussie: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: Mind if I talk to your sheep?

Aussie: (in sheer panic) That sheep's a F****** liar!!

Bead
09-25-2008, 02:39 PM
An old lady dies and goes to heaven.
She's chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates
when all of a sudden she hears the most awful, blood curdling screams

Don't worry about that,' says St. Peter,
'It's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for the wings.'

The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation.

Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams.
'Oh my God,' says the old lady, 'now what is happening?'

'Not to worry,' says St. Peter,
'She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo.'

'I can't do this,' says the old lady, 'I'm going to hell.'

'You can't go there,'says St. Peter.
'You'll be raped and taken advantage of.'

'Maybe so, says the old lady, but I've already got the holes
for that.'

Generic User Name
09-26-2008, 08:16 AM
It's Friday, payday weekend for most .... so I guess some drinking jokes are in order !

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are damn good drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back." The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin' where did you go for the past 30 minutes?". The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".


-----

Two Aussies, Bruce & Ken were down on their luck and hanging out for a cold drink or three. After checking their pockets and finding only 50 cents, Bruce came up with a brilliant strategy. "I'll take the 50 cents and show you how we can drink all day for free!"

Quickly, he went into a butcher's shop and bought a single sausage, which he stuck in Ken's fly. They then went to a nearby hotel. "Two beers"' said Bruce to the bartender. They downed them as fast as they could and the bartender waited for the money.

All of a sudden, Bruce got down on his knees and began sucking the sausage hanging out of Ken's fly. "Get out of my pub, you filthy poofters!", the bartender screamed and booted them out the door.

They did this all day, visiting about 16 pubs. "I just can't do this anymore", Bruce whined. "My knees are getting sore from kneeling".

"It's alright for you", Ken replied. "I lost the sausage after the third pub."

spl0it
09-26-2008, 12:45 PM
http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/listen_to_yourself.png

Shepherd L01
09-26-2008, 01:28 PM
Bloodninja: I lick your earlobe, and undo your watch.
Sarah19fca: mmmm, okay.
Bloodninja: I take yo pants off, grunting like a troll.
Sarah19fca: Yeah I like it rough.
Bloodninja: I smack you thick booty.
Sarah19fca: Oh yeah, that feels good.
Bloodninja: Smack, Smack, yeeeaahhh.
Bloodninja: I make some toast and eat it off your ass. Land O' Lakes butter all in your crack. Mmmm.
Sarah19fca: you like that?
Bloodninja: I peel some bananas.
Sarah19fca: Oh, what are you gonna do with those?
Bloodninja: get me peanuts. Peanuts from the ballpark.
Sarah19fca: Peanuts?
Bloodninja: Ken Griffey Jr. Yeaaaaahhh.
Sarah19fca: What are you talking about?
Bloodninja: I'm spent, I jump down into the alley and smoke a fatty. I throw rocks at the cats.
Sarah19fca: This is stupid.
Bloodninja: Stone Cold Steve Austin gives me some beer.
Bloodninja: Wanna Wrestle Stone Cold?
Bloodninja: Yeeaahhhh.
Sarah19fca: /ignore
Bloodninja: Its cool stone cold she was a ***** anyway.
Bloodninja: We get on harleys and ride into the sunset.

---------------

Bloodninja: Wanna cyber?
DirtyKate: K, but don't tell anybody ;-)
DirtyKate: Who are you?
Bloodninja: I've got blond hair, blue eyes, I work out a lot
Bloodninja: And I have a part time job delivering for Papa John's in my Geo Storm.
DirtyKate: You sound sexy.. I bet you want me in the back of your car..
Bloodninja: Maybe some other time. You should call up Papa John's and make an order
DirtyKate: Haha! OK
DirtyKate: Hello! I'd like an extra-EXTRA large pizza just dripping with sauce.
Bloodninja: Well, first they would say, "Hello, this is Papa John's, how may I help you", then they tell you the specials, and then you would make your order. So that's an X-Large. What toppings do you want?
DirtyKate: I want everything, baby!
Bloodninja: Is this a delivery?
DirtyKate: Umm...Yes
DirtyKate: So you're bringing the pizza to my house now? Cause I'm home alone... and I think I'll take a shower...
Bloodninja: Good. It will take about fifteen minutes to cook, and then I'll drive to your house.
**pause**
DirtyKate:I'm almost finished with my shower... Hurry up!
Bloodninja: You can't hurry good pizza.
Bloodninja: I'm on my way now though
**pause**
DirtyKate: So you're at my front door now.
Bloodninja: How did you know?
Bloodninja: I knock but you can't hear me cause you're in the shower. So I let myself in, and walk inside. I put the pizza down on your coffee table.
Bloodninja: Are you ready to get nasty, baby? I'm as hot as a pizza oven
DirtyKate: ooohh yeah. I step out of the shower and I'm all wet and cold. Warm me up baby
Bloodninja: So you're still in the bathroom?
DirtyKate: Yeah, I'm wrapping a towel around myself.
Bloodninja: I can no longer resist the pizza. I open the box and unzip my pants with my other hand. As I penetrate the gooey cheese, I moan in ecstacy. The mushrooms and Italian sausage are rough, but the sauce is deliciously soothing. I blow my load in seconds. As you leave the bathroom, I exit through the front door....
DirtyKate: What the ****?
DirtyKate: You perverted piece of s**t
DirtyKate: F**k

Shepherd L01
09-26-2008, 01:28 PM
Bloodninja: Wanna cyber?
MommyMelissa: Sure, you into vegetables?
Bloodninja: What like gardening an s**t?
MommyMelissa: Yeah, something like that.
Bloodninja: Nuthin turns me on more, check this out
Bloodninja: You bend over to harvest your radishes.
(pause)
MommyMelissa: is that it?
Bloodninja: You water your tomato patch.
Bloodninja: Are you ready for my fresh produce?
MommyMelissa: I was thinking of like, sexual acts INVOLVING vegetables... Can you make it a little more sexy for me?
(pause)
Bloodninja: I touch you on your lettuce, you massage my spinach... Sexily.
Bloodninja: I ride your buttocks, like they were amber waves of grains.
MommyMelissa: Grain doesn't really turn me on... I was thinking more along the lines of carrots and zucchinis.
Bloodninja: my zucchinis carresses your carrots.
Bloodninja: Damn baby your right, this s**t is HOT.
MommyMelissa: ...
Bloodninja: My turnips listen for the soft cry of your love. My insides turn to celery as I unleash my warm and sticky cauliflower of love.
MommyMelissa: What the f**k is this madlibs? I'm outta here.
Bloodninja: Yah, well I already unleashed my cauliflower, all over your olives, and up in your eyes. Now you can't see. B**ch.
MommyMelissa: whatever.

-------

Bloodninja: Baby, I been havin a tough night so treat me nice aight?
BritneySpears14: Aight.
Bloodninja: Slip out of those pants baby, yeah.
BritneySpears14: I slip out of my pants, just for you, Bloodninja.
Bloodninja: Oh yeah, aight. Aight, I put on my robe and wizard hat.
BritneySpears14: Oh, I like to play dress up.
Bloodninja: Me too baby.
BritneySpears14: I kiss you softly on your chest.
Bloodninja: I cast Lvl 3 Eroticism. You turn into a real beautiful woman.
BritneySpears14: Hey...
Bloodninja: I meditate to regain my mana, before casting Lvl 8 ***** of the Infinite.
BritneySpears14: Funny I still don't see it.
Bloodninja: I spend my mana reserves to cast Mighty of the Beyondness.
BritneySpears14: You are the worst cyber partner ever. This is ridiculous.
Bloodninja: Don't f**k with me biznitch, I'm the mightiest sorcerer of the lands.
Bloodninja: I steal yo soul and cast Lightning Lvl 1,000,000 Your body explodes into a fine bloody mist, because you are only a Lvl 2 Druid.
BritneySpears14: Don't ever message me again you piece.
Bloodninja: Robots are trying to drill my brain but my lightning shield inflicts DOA attack, leaving the robots as flaming piles of metal.
Bloodninja: King Arthur congratulates me for destroying Dr. Robotnik's evil army of Robot Socialist Republics. The cold war ends. Reagan steals my accomplishments and makes like it was cause of him.
Bloodninja: You still there baby? I think it's getting hard now.
Bloodninja: Baby?

Shepherd L01
09-26-2008, 01:29 PM
Bloodninja: Ok baby, we got to hurry, I don't know how long I can keep it ready for you.
j_gurli13: thats ok. ok i'm a japanese schoolgirl, what r u.
Bloodninja: A Rhinocerus. Well, hung like one, thats for sure.
j_gurli13: haha, ok lets go.
j_gurli13: i put my hand through ur hair, and kiss u on the neck.
Bloodninja: I stomp the ground, and snort, to alert you that you are in my breeding territory.
j_gurli13: haha, ok, u know that turns me on.
j_gurli13: i start unbuttoning ur shirt.
Bloodninja: Rhinoceruses don't wear shirts.
j_gurli13: No, ur not really a Rhinocerus silly, it's just part of the game.
Bloodninja: Rhinoceruses don't play games. They f**king charge your ass.
j_gurli13: stop, cmon be serious.
Bloodninja: It doesn't get any more serious than a Rhinocerus about to charge your ass.
Bloodninja: I stomp my feet, the dust stirs around my tough skinned feet.
j_gurli13: thats it.
Bloodninja: Nostrils flaring, I lower my head. My horn, like some phallic symbol of my potent virility, is the last thing you see as skulls collide and mine remains the victor. You are now a bloody red ragdoll suspended in the air on my mighty horn.
Bloodninja: F**k am I hard now.

-------------

BritneySpears14: Ok, are you ready?
eminemBNJA: Aight, yeah I'm ready.
BritneySpears14: I like your music Em... Tee hee.
eminemBNJA: huh huh, yeah, I make it for the ladies.
BritneySpears14: Mmm, we like it a lot. Let me show you.
BritneySpears14: I take off your pants, slowly, and massage your muscular physique.
eminemBNJA: Oh I like that Baby. I put on my robe and wizard hat.
BritneySpears14: What the f**k, I told you not to message me again.
eminemBNJA: Oh s**t
BritneySpears14: I swear if you do it one more time I'm gonna report your ISP and say you were sending me kiddie porn you f((k up.
eminemBNJA: Oh s((t
eminemBNJA: damn I gotta write down your names or something

=============

The Saga of Bloodninja (http://people.ambrosiasw.com/~andrew/funny/bloodcyber.html)

Vegeta ZA
09-26-2008, 01:30 PM
A Durbanite drove into Jozi and stopped at a rough nightclub("DA
FLAVOR") in Yeoville.
When he came out his car was gone. He rushed back into the bar, pulled
out a gun and fired a shot into the ceiling...

"Who stole my car?" he yelled. No one answered.

"I'm gonna have another beer and if my wheels aren't back outside by the
time I finished, I'm gonna be forced to do what I did back in
Chatsworth!"

The guy had another beer and his car mysteriously returned.
The bartender followed him out of the bar and said, "Say what happened
in Chatsworth?"



The guy smiled and said "Aaiyo, I had to walk home..."

Vegeta ZA
09-26-2008, 01:31 PM
A blonde goes into a store that sells curtains She tells the
salesman, "I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains." The salesman
assured her that they had a large selection of pink curtains. He
showed her several patterns, but the blonde seemed to be having a hard
time choosing.
Finally, she selects a lovely pink floral print. The salesman asked what size
curtains she needed.
The blonde replies, "Fifteen inches."
"Fifteen inches??", asked the salesman, "that sounds very small. What room are they for?"
The blonde says, "Oh, they are not for any room - they are for my computer monitor."
The surprised salesman replies, "But, Miss, computers do not have curtains."
The blonde says, " Hellooooooooo - I've got Windows."

Uncle
09-26-2008, 01:37 PM
Congrats I had burst into laughter in the middle of my office!

Love Blood ninja! Rhino one is my best! That and the pirate one!

Vegeta ZA
09-26-2008, 01:42 PM
Heaven!

bokka1
09-26-2008, 02:21 PM
http://img243.imageshack.us/img243/5209/halo1lv6.gif

noFriends
09-29-2008, 01:21 PM
Twee meisie muise sit en brag oor hul boyfriends.
Een wys 'n foto van 'n oulike seun muis.
Die ander een wys foto van haar boyfriend.
"Dis dan 'n vlermuis!" se die eerste een.
"Die Vark!" s die tweede een, "hy't vir my gese hy's 'n pilot!"

GeneralG
09-30-2008, 09:57 AM
A man checks into an hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely.


He thought, I'll call one of those girls you see
advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a
cab.

He popped into a phone booth near the hotel and
found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a
lovely girl, bending over in the photo.
She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful
long wavy hair, long graceful legs..... well, you get
the picture!

He copied the phone number and returned
to his hotel.
When back in the room he figures, what the heck, give her a call.



'Hello,' the woman says......... God, she sounded sexy.


'Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you
to come to my room and give me one.
Actually, no, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I
really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now.

Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of
tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want!

Now, how does that sound?'


She says, 'That sounds fantastic, but you need to
press 9 for an outside line .'

Porter
09-30-2008, 10:08 AM
I've got a BAD one - I won't get banned for it will I?

OddSock
09-30-2008, 10:20 AM
I've got a BAD one - I won't get banned for it will I?

That all depends on the severity. If it contravenes the rules of the forum, quite possibly so - otherwise your post will just be deleted and you'll be issued with a warning.

ZenFire
09-30-2008, 01:33 PM
There were two golfers on the golf course.
One of the men pulled out a cigarette, and asked his friend for a light.
His friend pulls out a 12 inch Bic Lighter.
"Wow, where did you get such a large Big?"
"Oh, my genie got it for me."
"your gieni? You have a genie? Where is he?"
"He is in my golf bag."
The friend says, "can I see him?"
His griend says "yes, sure!"
So the friend looks in the bag and out comes a genie. The man says to the genie, "I am your master's best friend. Would you grant me just one wish?"
The genie says "yes, just one wish".
So the man wished for a million bucks. The genie goes back in the golf bag without saying a word. Pretty soon, the sky starts to get dark. Then it gets even darker. The man looks up and sees a million ducks flying over.
He gets real upset, and says "what is the matter with your genie? Is he hard of hearing? I said a million Bucks, not a million Ducks."
His friend says to him, "Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch BIC?"

GeneralG
09-30-2008, 01:39 PM
LOL! Funny stuff. :D

Generic User Name
10-01-2008, 08:39 AM
Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty.
The Father said, 'Top O the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer hoosband 2 years ago?' She replied, 'Aye, that ye did,Father.'
The Father asked, 'And be there any wee little ones yet?'
She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.'
The Father said, 'Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer hoosband.'
She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father.' They then parted ways.
Some years later they met again. The Father asked, 'Well now, Mrs. Donovan , how are ye these days?'
She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!' The Father asked, 'And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?'
She replied, 'Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins and 4 singles, 10 in all!'

The Father said, 'That's wonderful! How is yer loving hoosband doing?'
She replied, 'E's gone to Rome to blow out yer flippen' candle.'

Generic User Name
10-01-2008, 08:39 AM
ALZHEIMER'S OR PARKINSON'S.
Which one would you rather have?


PARKINSON'S of course!


Better to spill half your drink than forget where the hell you put it!

ZenFire
10-01-2008, 08:42 AM
Bit morbid but here it is:

The power of beer:

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and
informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The
son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as
he can, with love and compassion.

After 18 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad
takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and
orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar
patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in
disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.

Swoooosh! Plop!! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts
into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again.
The patrons chant "Take another drink!"

The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay. Swoooosh! Plip!
Plop!! Two arms pop out.

The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink
again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink! Take another drink!!" The
bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses,
shaking his head, clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes.

By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down,
grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip!! Two legs pop
out. The bar is in chaos.

The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands
up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right
through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and
kills him instantly The bar falls silent.

The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and
says,

"He should've quit while he was a head!"

-----------------------------------------
Ali G:

Ali G went to his mate's fancy dress costume party wearing nothing but a girl on his back. "So what are you supposed to be?" the host asked indignantly.

"I Iz a snail," Ali replied.

The exasperated host asked,"How can you be a snail when all you've got is that naked girl on your back?"

Ali replied. "Dat Iz Michelle."

GeneralG
10-01-2008, 11:18 AM
http://images.dispatch.co.za/Cartoon-01-10-08.jpg

Generic User Name
10-02-2008, 09:00 AM
The jokes kids tell .... eish

What's the difference between chopped beef and pea soup?
Everyone can chop beef, but not everyone can pea soup!

Why was mama glow-worm unhappy?
Her kids weren't very bright!

DAD:Hey I know how to keep you thinking all night.
SON: How?
DAD: I'll tell you tomorrow

Badda Boom Badda Bang :roll:

ZenFire
10-02-2008, 11:10 AM
Little Susie got her "monthly bleeding" for the first time.
She did not understand what was going on and being really frightened,
she decided to share her trouble with her friend Little Johnny.
Having found Johnny she showed him what her problem was.
Johnny's face grew serious and he said,
"Well, I'm not a doctor, but it looks like someone ripped your balls off!"

--------------------------------

I got this from my sister who is living in Australia...

Van der Merwe had never been out of South Africa before and was visiting
Bondi Beach, Australia. He spotted a long line of black dots out in the
water and said to an Aussie, who was sitting close by, "What are all
those little black things out there?"

"They're buoys," said the Aussie.

"Boys?! wragtig ..." replied Van der Merwe. "What are they doing out
there?"

"Holding up the shark nets," the Aussie told him.

"***en lekker, what a great country!" said the South African, deeply
impressed.

"We'd never get away with that at home!"

--------------------------------

"Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated."

"What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.

"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done" replies Steve.

"But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor, "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!"

"I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind -- either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor."

"Well, OK." says the doctor, "But it's against my better judgment!"

So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way.

"Hi there," says Steve," It looks as if we've just had the same operation."

"Well," said the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised."

Steve stared at him in horror and screamed, "****! THAT'S the word!"

noFriends
10-02-2008, 01:04 PM
Short story

A husband and wife were sitting watching TV when he turned to his wife and said,

'Honey, tell me something that will make me Happy and Sad all at the same time.'

She said, 'You have the biggest **** out of all of your friends.'

XecutioneR
10-03-2008, 07:28 AM
A man takes the day off work and Decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he Notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is About to shoot when he Hears, Ribbit 9 Iron.'
The man looks around and doesn't See anyone.

Again, he hears, 'Ribbit 9 Iron.' He looks at the frog and decides to Prove the frog wrong, puts the Club away, and grabs a 9 iron.

Boom!
He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, 'Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh? The frog replies, 'Ribbit Lucky frog.'

The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. 'What do you think frog?' The man asks.
'Ribbit 3 wood.' The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one.

The man is befuddled and doesn't know What to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the Best game of golf in his life and asks the frog,

'OK where to next?' The frog replies, 'RibbitLas Vegas.

' They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, 'OK frog, now What?' The frog says, 'Ribbit Roulette.' Upon approaching the roulette table, The man asks, 'What do you think I should Bet?' The frog replies, 'Ribbit $3000, black 6.'

Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after he golf game the man Figures what the heck.

Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.

The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the Hotel. He sits the frog down and Says, 'Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful.'

The frog replies, 'Ribbit KissMe.' He figures why not, Since after all the frog did for Him, He deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.

'And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room.

So help me God
Or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton.'

ZenFire
10-03-2008, 07:40 AM
A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door.
A warm voice said, "Come on in."


When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass.
A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?"

"Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.

"Oh, no apology is necessary... Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."

"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!"

"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.
"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.

"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"
"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."
The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"

You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. I'd do the same for you!"

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable.

After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?"

"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.

"No Kidding," he said. "Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"

Generic User Name
10-03-2008, 07:41 AM
Last night while watching tv I saw that Wimpy advert and I decided to try it with my cherrie. After I said to her - "Cafe Latte" she just ignored me. After I said Macchiato she told me to shut up. Just before I could finish saying Cappuccino, she slaps me with a moerse klap. I asked her "what did you do that for now?" she replied "Do I look like a ***en foreigner - can't you use words like Black Label, Castle, Klippies or Red Heart, jou bliksem "

Havok ZA
10-03-2008, 09:24 AM
http://www.v-flyer.com/vs_press/elephant.jpg

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University .

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.


He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.


Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.



This is for all of my friends who send me those heart-warming bull**** stories.

Jut_King
10-03-2008, 12:31 PM
> Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees. Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, 'Dad, what's love
> juice?'
> Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex.
> Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.
> Dad says, 'So what were you watching?'
> Billy says, 'Wimbledon.'
>
>
>
> A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband, I look horrible, I feel fat & ugly, pay me a compliment.'
> He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect.'
>
>
>
> Wife gets naked & asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
> Hubby looks her up & down and replies, 'Your sense of humour!
>
>
>
> An elderly couple is attending Mass.
> About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?'
> He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'

Vegeta ZA
10-03-2008, 01:12 PM
A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. After a few more he needs to go to the can. He doesn't want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying, "I spat in this beer, do not drink!". After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying, "So did I!"

Vegeta ZA
10-03-2008, 01:16 PM
A Woman's Prayer:

I pray for:
Wisdom, To understand a man.
Love, To forgive him and;
Patience, For his moods.
Because if I pray for Strength
I'll just beat him to death.

sgt-squall
10-03-2008, 01:42 PM
http://www.v-flyer.com/vs_press/elephant.jpg

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University .

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.


He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.


Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.



This is for all of my friends who send me those heart-warming bull**** stories.


I read this and the coke that I was drinking came out my damn nose... LOKL

ZenFire
10-05-2008, 09:55 PM
A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre.
After carefully planning, he got past security, stole the paintings
and made it safely to his van.

However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of
gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make
such an obvious error, he replied:

"Monsieur, that's the reason I stole the paintings. I had no Monet to
buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

(And I bet you thought I wouldn't have De Gaulle to post this ! )

---------------------------------

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party.
Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all.
He didn't even remember how he got home from the party.
As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins

Next to a glass of water on the side table.
And, next to them, a single red rose!! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.

He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.
Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark

From his wife in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove,

I left early to get groceries to make you your favourite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast,steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.
His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son...what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind You fell over the coffee table and broke it,

And then you puked in the hallway,and got that black eye when you ran into the door.
Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean?
I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"
His son replies, "Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off,

You screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"
Broken Coffee Table +-R1,500 Hot Breakfast +-R35.50 Two Aspirins +-R2.00




Saying the right thing, at the right time. . PRICELESS

ZenFire
10-06-2008, 11:39 AM
A debt-overwhelmed man, hopelessly poring over a pile of bills, suddenly shouted “I’d give a thousand dollars to anyone who would do my worrying for me!”
“You’re on,” said his wife. “Where is the thousand?”
“That is your first worry,” he replied.

================

The latest reports from the SARS shows that it has streamlined its tax form this year.
It goes like this:
A. How much did you make last year?
B. How much do you have left?
C. Send B.

================

A guy was in a cave, looking for treasure. He found an old lamp, rubbed it, and a genie came out. The genie said "I will grant you three wishes, but your ex-wife will get double." The man agreed, and said "I wish I had a mansion." The genie granted it, and his ex-wife got two mansions. The man said "I would like a million dollars." The genie again granted it and his ex-wife got two million dollars. Then the man said, "Scare me half to death."

================

An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.

When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her email address, he did his best to type it in from memory.

Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

DEAREST WIFE: JUST GOT CHECKED IN. EVERYTHING PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW.
P.S. SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE.

ZenFire
10-07-2008, 09:04 AM
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 mi/gal."
Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement: "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?"
Not only that, but....
Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too.
You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy more seats.
Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.
The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.
The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.
New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
The airbag system would say "are you sure?" before going off.
If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.

====================

Warning Signs of Insanity for Programmers.
1. You stay up all night coding only to realize that you haven't had any caffeine in about 6 hours.
2. You wonder why on earth anyone would make a programming language conform to such absolutely bizarre rules of grammar but in a strange way it actually begins to make sense.
3. You start dreaming in recursion (if you have any time to dream).
4. You realize not only is it daytime but your project is due in 2 hours, which isn't enough time to even begin running it.
5. You start customizing your environment because you want it "just right" (and because further work on the program is futile).
6. You wonder when the invasion will begin.
7. You understand #8.
8. You start signing your name in octal (or binary) just because.
9. You know more programming commands than actual words.
10. You realize that you have reached the end, and there is no closing command.

====================

One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow tumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys in five different cars before he found his. Then he sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone else left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy.”

ZenFire
10-08-2008, 08:19 AM
Stumpy Grinder and his wife Martha were from Portland, Maine. Every year they went to the Portland Fair and every year Stumpy said, "Ya know, Mahtha, I'd like ta get a ride in that theah aihplane." And every year, Martha would say "I know, Stumpy, but that aihplane ride costs ten dollahs .. and ten dollahs is ten dollahs."
So one year Stumpy says, "By Jeebers, Mahtha, I'm 71 yeahs old, and if I don't go this time I may nevah go." Martha replies, "Stumpy, that there aihplane ride is ten dollahs ... and ten dollahs is ten dollahs."
So the pilot overhears then and says, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say ONE WORD, then I won't charge you. But just ONE WORD and it's ten dollars."
They agree and up they go... the pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does it one more time, and there is still no word... so he lands.
He turns to Stumpy as they come to a stop and says, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to holler out, but you didn't."
And Stumpy replies "Well, I was gonna say something when Mahtha fell out ... but ten dollahs is ten dollahs."

====================

With high-definition TV everything looks bigger and wider. Kind of like going to your 25th high school reunion

====================

Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital as he now considered her to be mentally stable. When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."

Uncle
10-08-2008, 12:16 PM
Council Of Man Laws

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:

(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.

(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse.

(c) After wrecking your boss's car.

(d) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and

eaten by his friends.


4: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off

limits forever unless you actually marry her.


5: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden.

However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.


6: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another

man.


In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional.

But you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.


7: In the mini-bus, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.


8: When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may

ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask whose

playing.


9: You may fart in front of a woman only after you have brought her to

climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of

flatulent entertainment (commonly known as a Dutch oven), she's

officially your girlfriend.


10: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're

sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless model

and only when it's free.


11: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to

kick another guy in the nuts.


12: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.


13: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.


14: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.


15: Women who claim they 'love to watch sports' must be treated as spies

until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as

much as the other sports watchers.


16: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must

remain sober enough to fight.


17: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of

pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.


18: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking

about his choice of beer.


19: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours,

except if she's withholding sex pending your response.


20: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing

i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other

situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you

need.


21: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer

than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone.

Hang up if necessary.


22: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly 'just a friend'

have carnal, drunken monkey sex. The fact that you're feeling weird and

guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the

discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.


23: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for

her to drive yours.


24: Thou shall not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime, green,

orange or sky blue.


25: The girl who replies to the question 'What do you want for

Christmas?' with 'If you loved me, you'd know what I want!' gets an

X-Box 360 End of story.


26: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's

Gymnastics. Ever.


27: We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you

really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you

informed, the definition of each is listed below:


' GUTS ' is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being

assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, 'are

you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?'


' BALLS ' is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling

of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife square

on the ass and having the balls to say, 'You're next fatty!'


I hope this clears up any confusion,


The International Council of Man Laws

ZenFire
10-09-2008, 09:07 AM
A cannibal entered the meat market to buy something nice for dinner. The owner greeted him and told him to look around. The cannibal began to inspect the meat case and noticed the market specialized in brain.
Upon further inspection he noticed a marked disparity between the costs of brain meats. A carpenter's brain sells for $1.50 per pound. A plumber's brain sells for $2.25 per pound. He noticed with alarm that a politician's brain sells for $375.00 a pound. With not a little curiosity he asked the owner why the huge difference in price between the similar meats.
The owner responded with a deadpan look on his face, "Do you realize how many politicians it takes to get a pound of brains?"

====================

Hawk and Tom were talking in the bar. Hawk said," I just got kicked off the course for breaking 60."
Tom looked at him, amazed. " Breaking 60? That's amazing!"
Hawk smiled and said," Yeah, I never knew a golf cart could go that fast!"

====================

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to commit suicide, is that considered a hostage crisis?

You know you're really drunk if you can't lie on the floor without holding on.

Q: Where do you find a dog with no legs?
A: Right where you left him.

Don't steal, the Government hates competition!

====================

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are some priceless quotes:...

*I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word. He knew better*.

*I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good- looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."*

*My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget about it.*

*Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said, "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Dan!, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled. "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!*

*This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any? A true story. We had a female news anchor who the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too!

*While on a flight from New York, the Stewardess was busy passing out peanuts and cokes to everyone. There were about sixteen flights lined up waiting to get clearance to take off. Then the other Stewardess got a message from the Pilot that the tower said the wind had changed 180 degrees and they were first in line to take off, and to have everyone buckle up. Without thinking she just announced "Please buckle up, grab your drinks and hold your nuts, we're taking off", No one saw her for the rest of the flight to Houston, and all the other Stewardesses were laughing all the way and half of the passengers.

*I was working in an aquarium, when some new guy who was recently hired was given the task of feeding the fish. He started throwing in friggin peanuts! I walked up to him, looking angry, and said to him, "Damn it! They can't digest that! All they can do is lick your nuts!". Needless to say, I quit.

GeneralG
10-09-2008, 09:12 AM
Q: Where do you find a dog with no legs?
A: Right where you left him.



LMAO! :D

ZenFire
10-09-2008, 09:31 AM
I am accepting rep for all my hard work thanks :D.

Generic User Name
10-09-2008, 09:43 AM
Q: Where do you find a dog with no legs?
A: Right where you left him.LMAO! :D

That one nearly as bad as

What do you call a fly with no wings ?
A Walk.

What do you call a dog with no legs?
It doesn't matter, it won't come no matter what you call it.

What do you call a dog with no hind legs and steel b@lls
Sparky

Cheesy drum roll .... badda boom badda bang :tongue:

GeneralG
10-09-2008, 03:57 PM
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem.


I have two female parrots, But they only know how to say one thing.'

'What do they say?' the priest inquired.

They say,
'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'


'That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed,
Then he thought for a moment.

'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem.
I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.
Bring your two parrots over to my house,
and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.
My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship,
and your parrots are sure to stop saying . . That phrase . . In no time.'

'Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.'


The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house.
As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots
were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.

Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison:

'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

There was stunned silence.

Shocked, One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot

And exclaimed,

'Put the beads away, Frank.
Our prayers have been answered!'

-------------------------------------------------------------
-------------------------------------------------------------

Sipho is buying a TV and asks "Do you have colour TVs?"

"Sure" says the assistant.

Sipho replies "Give me a green one, please."

Lucifer SLE
10-09-2008, 04:41 PM
Dress Code:

1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.

2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.

3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.

4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.


Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Breaks:
* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.

* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.


Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

Generic User Name
10-10-2008, 08:30 AM
A man suspected his wife of seeing another man,

So he hired the famous Chinese detective, Chen Lee, to watch and report any activities while he was gone. A few days later, he received this report:

Most honolable sir:
You leave house
I watch house
He come to house , I watch.
He and she leave house, I follow.
He and she go in hotel. I climb tlee
I look in window.
He kiss she, she kiss he.
He strip she, she strip he.
He play with she, she play with he.
I play with me.
I fall out of tlee.
I no see
Don't wolly, NO FEE.
Chen Lee
Sollee.

ZenFire
10-10-2008, 08:57 AM
There was a man sitting at a bar, and he looks over at the gentleman sitting next to him and says, "Hey, you look familiar.
Are you from around here?" The man answers, "Yeah, I live down the street."
"No kidding?" says the first man, "Well, so do I. And hey, you look about my age. Where did you go to high school?"
"Oh I went to Francis Lewis over on Utopia. Graduated in '66.
How 'bout you?"
"Get out. I went to Francis Lewis. And I graduated in '66, too." "Where'd you go to college?"
"Beloit, in Wisconsin."
"No way! I went to Beloit too. What dorm?"
"Kevin Sullivan dorm."
"Sullivan? You're not going to believe this . . ."
Joe the bartender walks over, and the first guy says, "Joe, you won't believe it in a million years. This guy went to the same
high school as me, graduated the same year I did, and went to the same college. We were even in the same dorm. Isn't that amazing?"
Joe looks at them both and says, "Yeah, that's just plain amazing."
A third man comes in and says, "Hey Joe. What's new?" Joe says, "Not much. The Johnson twins are drunk again."

====================

A bar owner locked up his place at 2 AM and went home to sleep. He had been in bed only a few minutes when the phone rang. What time do you open up in the morning? he heard an obviously inebriated man inquire.
The owner was so furious, he slammed down the receiver and went back to bed. A few minutes later there was another call and he heard the same voice ask the same question. Listen, the owner shouted, theres no sense in asking me what time I open because I wouldnt let a person in your condition in

I dont want to get in, the caller interjected. I want to get out.

Bead
10-10-2008, 10:30 AM
Gatiep, A Cape Coloured goes into a brothel in Kaapstad one night and Finds himself a Lady of the night . He asks her, "How much do you charge For the hour meisie?" "R100," she replies.
So he asks, "awright do you do Coloured style?" She says "No!" He then Asks her, "I'll pay you R200 to do it Coloured style?" She again says No, not knowing what Coloured style is! So he then offers herR300.
Again she declines his offer. So finally he says, "I'll give you R500 to go Coloured style with me!" Finally she agrees thinking, "Well I've been in The game for over 10 years now, I've been there and done that, had every Kind of request from weirdo's from every corner of the world. How bad Could Coloured style be?"
So she goes ahead and has s.e.x with him, doing it in every kind of way And in every possible position. Finally, after several intense hours They finish. Exhausted, the Lady of the night turns to him and says, "That was fantastic. I've never enjoyed it so much. But I was expecting Something perverted and disgusting.
Where does the 'Coloured style come In?"
Gatiep replies... "I'll pay you the end of the month!"

Nemanjas Bulletproof Tor
10-10-2008, 10:53 AM
A man walks into a shop and says to a shop worker: "Can I get a KitKat chunky?"

The worker goes and fetches a KitKat chunky and passes it to him.

He starts getting angry and shouts:

"I didn't ask for this, I asked for a KitKat you fat piece of ****!"

ZenFire
10-10-2008, 10:58 AM
A man walks into a shop and says to a shop worker: "Can I get a KitKat chunky?"

The worker goes and fetches a KitKat chunky and passes it to him.

He starts getting angry and shouts:

"I didn't ask for this, I asked for a KitKat you fat piece of ****!"

You are going to need to step it up a bit that was a bit weak :D.

We all need to start somewhere.

Nemanjas Bulletproof Tor
10-10-2008, 11:12 AM
You are going to need to step it up a bit that was a bit weak :D.

We all need to start somewhere.

I'm just testing the waters before I start breaking out the jokes in seriously bad taste.:icon_tongue:

Lucifer SLE
10-10-2008, 01:31 PM
Ripper



A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and
Noticed he had his collar on backwards.

The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.

The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father.'

The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like
that.'

The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the
Father of many.'

The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two
grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!'

The priest, getting impatient, said. 'I am the Father of
Hundreds', and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and
said, “Maybe you should wear a condom and put your pants on backwards
instead of your collar.”

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Credit to singularity2012

singularity2012
10-10-2008, 01:54 PM
@ Lucifer... sorry, but this was funnier when i posted it :wink:
http://www.xbox-360.co.za/forum/off-topic/8217-joke-day-post354952.html?highlight=backwards#post354952

Lucifer SLE
10-10-2008, 02:17 PM
Sorry dude, i went through all the posts, i must of missed it!

Lucifer SLE
10-10-2008, 04:23 PM
A group of kindergarteners were trying very hard to become accustomed
to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher
insisted on NO baby talk!

'You need to use 'Big People' words,' she was always reminding them.

She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend?
'I went to visit my Nana.'
'No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!'

She then asked Mitchell what he had done.
'I took a ride on a choo-choo.'
She said 'No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use
'Big People' words.'

She then asked little Alec what he had done?

'I read a book,' he replied.
'That's WONDERFUL!' the teacher said. 'What book did you read?'

Alec thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great
pride, and said, 'Winnie the ****.'


--------------------------------------------------------------------

I dint find this one on the Forum

Jut_King
10-10-2008, 04:36 PM
I am guessing you didnt find it cause

IT WAS LAME (****)

OddSock
10-10-2008, 04:37 PM
I see Jut has rediscovered the effing spoiler tag... *mutter*

Lucifer SLE
10-10-2008, 04:39 PM
I am guessing you didnt find it cause

IT WAS LAME (****)

Then why not 8-O put a better one in if you can!

Jut_King
10-10-2008, 04:48 PM
@ Oddsock

the spoiler is great and its magical powers are immense

Just thought i would try bring it back into fashion

u can thank me later

scratchy
10-10-2008, 04:52 PM
Your a ****

Jut_King
10-10-2008, 04:57 PM
Why thank you scratchy

Lucifer SLE
10-10-2008, 05:13 PM
Why do they call them Nuns?

Cause thats exactly what they get!

Nun!

Bead
10-10-2008, 06:01 PM
Why do they call them Nuns?

Cause thats exactly what they get!

Nun!

seriously dude

GO DIE!!

Nemanjas Bulletproof Tor
10-10-2008, 06:34 PM
This may be in slightly bad taste
A woman goes to the doctors and says " I've been having a bit of trouble and pain in my abdomen, could you check it out for me?" So the doctor runs some tests and asks her to come back in a week.

A week later the woman returns and asks " Well doctor have you found anything out?" The doctor replies " Yes I have. I hope you're prepared for a few years of changing dirty nappies and not sleepless nights." "I'm pregnant?" exclaims the woman.

"No" says the doctor "You've got bowel cancer."

mistergrootkop1
10-14-2008, 11:02 AM
Steve Hofmeyer, Jurie Els and the sexy singer Nadine walk on a bridge over the grand canyon. Nadine puts her head through the rails to have a better look and her head got stuck. Steve decided now is his chance and decks her from behind. When he was done he told Jurie Els ," Jurie, it is your turn"
to which Jurie replied in tears:
" I can't Steve, my head does not fit through the rails"

Lucifer SLE
10-14-2008, 11:18 AM
A very 'straight and honest' girl from Phoenix, Durban is going to seek work in Joburg like the thousand of Durbanites before her....

Before she left, her mother gave her some advice. "Parvithy, my child, when you're in Jo'burg and all, if you're looking for a match there, you must take note of the following requirements I've set for you my bhajia. You must find boy that is faithful, not spendthrift and he must be a virgin".

With this advise from her mother, 'Parv's', as her mother affectionately calls her, went to the 'City of Gold'.

Some months later, she came way home to get her mother's blessings to marry.

"Ma", she choon coyly, "I've met my match following your instructions and all. My future hubby is so faithful boy!!! U know the one night we went out for a outing to Lenasia, his home town, where all the great boys are from, he took care of me specifically even though there were so many prettier girls around, like all the Lenz babes. Isn't that being faithful?" she asked expectantly.

Her mother nodded in agreement.

"Then", Parv continued, "since it was getting late at night and rain was pouring, my boyfriend decided that we stay the night at the Lenz guesthouse. He also suggested that in order not to spend too much, we shared one room. See, he's not a spendthrift, is he?"

For the second time her mother nodded her head in agreement but with a little concern.

"And finally mum..., I know he is a virgin".

"How did you know he is still a virgin?" the concerned mother asked.

"Mmmmmmm....his 'thing' is new......still wrapped up in plastic, mum!"

Ayor ... The old lady is recovering from shock in Addington hospital.

Jut_King
10-14-2008, 11:24 AM
U got to be kidding?

Uncle
10-14-2008, 11:26 AM
At the crowded Sandton bus stop a beautiful young blonde woman wearing a tight leather skirt was waiting for a bus.

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't!

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.

With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more but again was unable to take a step.
About this time, Hennie, a fris boerseun from ***amas, who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, 'How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!'

Hennie smiled and in his best English answered her : 'Well, ma'am, normally I would agree wiff you, but after you unzipped my fly free times, I kinda figured we was friends.'

Lucifer SLE
10-14-2008, 11:39 AM
U got to be kidding?

Come on! its still early in the week and it worth a laugh!

Thanks for you PM:-?

Lucifer SLE
10-14-2008, 11:50 AM
A man walks in a bar and a little man is sitting next to him. The little man asked if he had a family and how old he was. The man told him he was 29 and had a wife and two kids.

The little man says "I'am a Leprechaun, and if you left me F#$@ you in the butt I will grant you three wishes".

They go to the bathroom and the Leprechaun starts to F@$# him in the butt.

When almost finished the Leprechaun says, "You did say you had a family right?"

Than man replies, "Yes I'm29 and have a wife and two kids"

The Leprechaun says, "Well aren't you a little bit old to be believing in Leprechauns?"

Lucifer SLE
10-14-2008, 03:55 PM
An old, white haired man walked into a jewelery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young girl at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a R5, 000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only R40, 000," the jeweler said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by cheque. "I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's No money in that account."

"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"

Lucifer SLE
10-14-2008, 04:20 PM
A man goes to the famous Lucas Carton restaurant in Paris with his girlfriend and orders the 1928 Mouton.

The waiter returns with a bottle full of wine, pours a small amount in

The glass for tasting. The customer picks up the glass, smells the wine,

And puts it down on the table with a thud

'This is not the 1928 Mouton.'

The waiter assures him it is, and soon there is another twenty people

surrounding the table including the chef and the manager trying to

Convince the man that the wine is the 1928 Mouton. Finally someone

asks him how he knows that it is not the 1928 Mouton.

'My name is Phillipe de Rothschild, and I make the wine.'

Finally, the original waiter steps forward and admits that he poured

The Clerc Milon 1928.

"I could not bear to part with our last bottle of 1928 Mouton. You know

Clerc Milon, it is in the same village as Mouton, you pick the grapes

At the same time, the same cepage, you crush in the same way, you put them

into similar barrels. You bottle at the same time, you even use eggs

from the same chickens to fine them. The wines are the same, except for

a small matter of geographic location."

Rothschild beckons the waiter forward, and whispers to him,

'When you return home tonight, ask your girlfriend to remove her

underwear. Put one finger in one opening, another finger in the other,

then smell both the fingers.

You will understand what difference a small distance in geographic

Location makes.":tongue:

IgWaBaBa
10-14-2008, 04:48 PM
Two old friends were just about to tee off at their golf course when a guy carrying
a golf bag called out to them, 'Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up.'

'Not a problem', they said, 'Come join us'.

They began play and enjoyed the company of the newcomer.

Part way around the course, one of the friends asked, 'What do you do for
a living?'

'I'm a hit man', was the reply.

'You're joking!' both friends responded.

'No, I'm not', he said, as he reached into his golf bag, pulling out a
beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight.

'Here are my tools.'

'That's quite a sight', said the one friend, 'I think I might be able to
see my house from here'.

He picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of
his house.

'Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see
right through the window. I can see my wife in the bedroom and she's naked! Wait,
that's my neighbour in there with her ... he's naked too! The bit*h!'

He turned to the hit man, 'How much do you charge for a hit?'

'I do a flat rate, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger.'

'Can you do two for me now?'

'Sure, what do you want?'

'First, shoot my wife. She's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the

mouth. Then the neighbor, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot
his **** off to teach him a lesson.'

The hit man took aim with the rifle, standing perfectly still for a couple of minutes.

'Are you going to do it or not?' said the friend impatiently.

'Just be patient', said the hit man calmly, 'I think I can save you a grand here!

mistergrootkop1
10-15-2008, 10:13 AM
Superman flies over the Kalahari desert when he gets an emegency all in New York. On his way there he sees, still in the desert, superwoman lying naked and spread-eagled in the sand. He thinks, that him being Superman, he could fly down quick, do the job and be on his his way to New York. So he dives down, decks her and carries on.
All of a sudden Superwoman asks : "What was that?"
and the Invisible man replies " I don't know but my ass is sore!"

GeneralG
10-15-2008, 01:37 PM
THE INDIAN WITH ONE TESTICLE



There once was an Indian who had only one testicle, and whose given name
was 'Onestone'. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him
Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,
'If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!'

The word got around and nobody called him that any more. Then one day a
young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.'

He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made
love to her all day and all night.

He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.

Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman
named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.

Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw
Onestone.

She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to
her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day,
made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!



What is the moral of this story????
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Very simply, the moral is..................



YOU CAN'T KILL TWO BIRDS WITH ONE STONE!!!!

OddSock
10-15-2008, 01:40 PM
Iin response to that, Mr General G :P

YouTube - I hate you so much right now

GeneralG
10-15-2008, 03:00 PM
A crusty old man walks into the local First Baptist Church and says to the secretary, "I would like to join this damn church.." The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church."

The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the pastor's study to inform him of her situation. The pastor agrees that the secretary does not have to listen to that foul language. They both return to her office and the pastor asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"

"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church to get rid of some of this damn money."

"I see," said the pastor. "And is this b*tch is giving you a hard time?"

isues
10-15-2008, 03:00 PM
Thanx Oddsock. Two of my favorite things. Buffy and that song.

MajSkollie
10-15-2008, 03:14 PM
A man and his wife are in court getting a divorce. The problem was who should get custody of the child. The wife jumped up and said:

"Your Honour, I brought the child into the world with pain and labour.
She should be in my custody".

The judge turns to the husband and says "What do you have to say in your defence?" The man sat for a while contemplating. Then slowly rose.

"Your Honour, if I put a Rand in a vending machine and a Coke comes out!
Whose Coke is it, the machines' or mine?"

GeneralG
10-16-2008, 10:45 AM
New Words for 2008...


* SWAMP-DONKEY.
A deeply unattractive person.

* TESTICULATING.
Waving your arms around and talking bollocks.

* BLAMESTORMING.
Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

* SEAGULL MANAGER.
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

* SALMON DAY..
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.

* CUBE FARM.
An office filled with cubicles.

* PRAIRIE DOGGING.
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
(This also applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake.)

* SINBAD.
Single working girls. Single income, no boyfriend and desperate.

* AEROPLANE BLONDE.
One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.

* PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE.
The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

* OH - NO SECOND.
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all').

* GREYHOUND.
A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

* JOHNNY-NO-STARS.
A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant.

The 'no-stars' comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of training.

* MILLENNIUM DOMES.
The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually naught in there worth seeing.

* MONKEY BATH .
A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go:
'Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa! Aa! Aa!'.

* MYSTERY BUS.
The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the
toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so
the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

* TART FUEL.
Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women.

* TRAMP STAMP
Tattoo on a female

* PICASSO BUM.
A woman whose knickers are too small for her, So, she looks like she's got 4 buttocks

noFriends
10-17-2008, 10:43 AM
A man was walking down the street when he saw a woman with the perfect, and I mean PERFECT, breasts he'd ever seen.

He walked up to her and said, "Ma'am, you have perfect breasts, and I will pay you $100 to bite them." The woman was horrified and began to walk away.

The man caught her and said, "Alright, I'll pay you $1,000 to bite your breasts." Still horrified, the woman began to run away.

The man caught her again and said, "Fine. I'll pay you $10,000 to bite your breasts, and not a penny more." The woman then thinks that $10,000 will be worth it, so she finally agreed.

They went into a deserted alley away from the city action. The woman took off her shirt and bra, revealing the perfect breasts. The man then began to touch, squeeze, fondle, poke, and everything to the woman's breasts EXCEPT biting them.

The woman then said, "Well, are you gonna bite them or not?!"

The man replied, "Nah, too expensive."

Generic User Name
10-20-2008, 08:33 AM
Die straat naamvernaderings in Pretoria het opgeskuif van 26 na 27 veranderings.

Die volgende byvoeging is gemaak:

Kotze Straat word Luke Watson straat!

termin8r
10-20-2008, 09:51 AM
BRAKPAN CHICKS!

A Brakpan girl walks into the local dry cleaners.
She places a garment on the counter. "I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to
pick up my dress." she says.
"Come again?" says the half deaf worker.
"No" she replies. "This time it's mayonnaise."

.................................................. ..........................
.................................................. .........

A Brakpan girl was involved in a serious crash.
The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car till she's lying flat
out on the road.
Medic: "OK, I'm going to check if you're concussed."
Brakpan: "Ok."
Medic: "How many fingers am I putting up?"
Brakpan: "Oh my god I'm paralysed from the waist down!"

.................................................. ..........................
.................................................. .........

Brakpan girl goes to Home Affairs to register for child benefit.
"How many children?" asks the assessor?
"Ten" replies the Brakpan girl,
" Ten?" says the Home Affairs worker.
"What are their names?"
"Warren, Warren, Warren, Warren, Warren, Warren, Warren, Warren, Warren and
Warren "
"Doesn't that get confusing?"
"Naah..." says the Brakpan girl.
"Its great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to
shout Warren , YOUR SUPPER'S READY or Warren GO TO BED NOW and they all do
it..."
"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed Home
Affairs worker.
"That's easy," says the Brakpan girl... "I just use their surnames"

.................................................. ..........................
.................................................. .....

A Brakpan girl goes into a sex shop & asks for a vibrator.
The man says: "Choose one from our range on the wall."
She says "I'll take the red one."
The man replies: "You can't, that's a fire extinguisher."

GeneralG
10-20-2008, 09:56 AM
A little girl asks her mum, 'Mum, can I take the dog for a walk around the block?'
Her mum replies 'No, because she is on heat.'
'What does that mean?' asked the child.
'Go and ask your father. I think he's in the garage.'

The little girl goes out to the garage and says, 'Dad, can I take Lulu for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was on the heat, and to come ask you.'

He took a rag, soaked it in petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said 'Ok, you can go now, but keep Lulu on the leash and only go one time around the block.'
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash..
Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Lulu?'

The little girl said, 'She ran out of petrol about halfway round the block, so another dog is pushing her home.'

Uncle
10-20-2008, 02:19 PM
3am, and a man is driving his brand new BMW M3 down the N2 at
240km/h.

He's two minutes away from home when he sees a car on the side of the
road, on its roof with flames all around.

There's no one else in the area, his cell phone reception is dead, and
so he stops his car. Sure enough, there's a beautiful woman in the car,
but she's bleeding to death.

The guy reckons 'screw it' and rushes to fetch a blanket from the car.
He wraps the woman in the blanket and puts her on the back seat of his
M3.

He then rushes her to the hospital.

For six months she lies in the hospital, and he is with her every day
and every night. He donates his blood to keep her alive. Eventually, she
recovers fully, and they get married.

Life is cool for a few years, until one day she gets fed up and decides
to leave him. His love of money is obvious, and she feels like a trophy
wife.

She comes down the stairs, struggling with her two suitcases, and
reaches into her pocket for the keys to the Jaguar. Sure enough, he
stops her before she reaches the door and asks, 'What are you doing?'

'I'm leaving you,' she says.

'Oh really, and how are you going to leave? The keys in your hand are
for the Jaguar I paid for. It's my car. You are not taking it anywhere.'


'Fine,' she says, and throws the keys at him.

'And those bulging suitcases?' The clothes you're wearing? Everything,
I've paid for. They are my suitcases and my clothes. You're not taking
them anywhere'

'Fine,' she says, and throws the suitcases at him. She strips down
completely and throws her clothes at him too.

'And the blood in your body? I sat with you for six months in the
hospital. You know half of the blood is mine. You're not going
anywhere.'


She looks at him, whips out her tampon and, throwing it at him says,
'I'll pay you back in monthly installments, here's the first.'

GrootWillie
10-21-2008, 09:32 AM
"It was a sunny Saturday morning on the course and I was beginning my pre-shot routine, visualizing my upcoming shot, when a voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker.

"Would the gentleman on the woman's tee back up to the men's tee please!!"

I was still deep in my routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption. Again the announcement, "Would the MAN on the WOMEN'S tee kindly back up to the men's tee."

I simply ignored the guy and kept concentrating, when once more, the man yelled: "Would the man on the woman's tee back up to the men's tee, PLEASE!

I finally stopped, turned, looked through the clubhouse window directly at the person with the mic and shouted back, "Would the person in the clubhouse kindly shut up and let me play my second shot?" "

bokka1
10-21-2008, 09:56 AM
To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign
> Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
>
> In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent
> candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we
> hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
>
> (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
>
> Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical
> duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas,
> which she does not fancy).
>
> Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for
> America without the need for further elections.
>
> Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be
> circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
>
> To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following
> rules are introduced with immediate effect:
>
> -----------------------
>
> 1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,'
> 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut'
> without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be
> replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to
> raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
>
> ------------------------
>
> 2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises
> such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form
> of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let
> Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be
> adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the
> elimination of '-ize.'
>
> -------------------
>
> 3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
>
> -----------------
>
> 4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
> lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and
> therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns
> should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out
> without suing someone or speaking to a therapist,then you're not ready
> to shoot grouse.
>
> ----------------------
>
> 5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything
> more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be
> required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
>
> ----------------------
>
> 6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will
> start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same
> time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit
> of conversion
> tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the
> British sense of humour.
>
> --------------------
>
> 7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
> calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
>
> -------------------
>
> 8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French
> fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling
> potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut,
> fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
>
> -------------------
>
> 9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not
> actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be
> referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted
> provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also
> acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation
> on earth and it can only be due to the beer.
> They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them.
> American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's *****, so
> that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
>
> ---------------------
>
> 10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as
> good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to
> play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English
> dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to
> having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
>
> ---------------------
>
> 11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind
> of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough
> will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities
> to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every
> twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
>
> ---------------------
>
> 12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to
> host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played
> outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world
> beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn
> cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the
> sting out of their deliveries.
>
> --------------------
>
> 13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
>
> -----------------
>
> 14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
> Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all
> monies due (backdated to 1776).
>
> ---------------
>
> 15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with
> saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and
> cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
>
> God Save the Queen!
>
> PS: Only share this with friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT
> humor)!

Ranz
10-21-2008, 10:49 AM
Beer Prayer

Our lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink.
Thy will be drunk,
(I will be drunk),
At home as it is in the pub.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillages,
As we forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not to incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers.
For ever and ever.

Bar-men


======================

When the moon hits your eye, like a big pizza pie, that's Amore.

But;

When you're hit by a jug, in a South Auckland pub, THAT'S a Māori.

Ranz
10-21-2008, 10:51 AM
A tourist is in North London one Saturday and he decides he would very much like to go to a football match, so he asks a man in the street if there are any local matches being played that afternoon. "Well," replies the man, "the Arsenal ground is very close but they're playing away today. If you feel you really must see a match, the Tottenham ground is not that far away. You go straight down this road and you'll see two queues, a big queue and a small queue.
You should go to the small queue because the big one is for the fish and chip shop.

GeneralG
10-22-2008, 09:11 AM
THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION
ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME
WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE,
AND THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:



1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you has screwed up my life.

2. I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed.

5. I thought that I could love no other
-- that is until I met your brother.

6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's
empty and so is your head.

7. I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.

8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

9. My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

10. My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe 'Go to hell.'

11. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

spl0it
10-22-2008, 09:23 AM
Luke Watson

" ...Me having to wear the Springbok jersey, to keep myself from vomiting on it, because there is a bigger picture, because men and woman have bled for me to get there... "

" ...The problem with SA rugby is that it is controlled by Dutchmen..."

" ...The men who sit on my left and right of me in the change room despise me for who I am... "

" ...The men won't talk to me, they won't greet me, the very coach won't greet me. They walk past me. I sat at a table by myself, they won't eat with me, because I was a political pawn..."

Luke Watson se onlangse uitlatings het betrekking:

Daar bestaan 'n stukkie heilige grond in taalkunde. 'n Ruimte waarvan die grenslyn nie oorgesteek mag word met skoene aan nie.
Die groot kanon in die taal-arsenaal.
Die atoombom.
'n Noodklep wat slegs oopgedraai mag word indien die druk in die drukkoker-aarde so hoog is dat lewe op 'n baie fundamentele vlak direk bedreig word.
Die grofste, grootste juweel uit die familieskatkis wat dalk eenkeer in 'n leeftyd uitgehaal mag word onder algehele ophou van asem; baie versigtig, met wit handskoene aan.
'n Finale verweer.
Luke, hulle het jou nie vermy omdat jy 'n politieke pion was nie. Hulle het jou vermy, want jy is 'n poos.

ZenFire
10-22-2008, 09:31 AM
FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

NOTHING
This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine"

GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine"

GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"

SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.

THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow."

GO AHEAD!
At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay"

THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome.

THANKS A LOT
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing"

===================

Subject: Computer Hard and Software:
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system>activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.

I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!
Thanks,
A Troubled User. (KEEP READING)
______________________________________

REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.
The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag, Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0! WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,
Tech Support

ZenFire
10-22-2008, 09:49 AM
YouTube - Chairman falls off Chair

This is damn funny!!!

GeneralG
10-22-2008, 09:58 AM
Holy crap! That's funny... :D

I love his face, about halfway through, the chair obviously starts to crack...
Did this happen last night?
I'm glad I didn't see it live, otherwise I may just have drowned myself with all the beer pouring out my nose...

ZenFire
10-22-2008, 10:56 AM
Holy crap! That's funny... :D

I love his face, about halfway through, the chair obviously starts to crack...
Did this happen last night?
I'm glad I didn't see it live, otherwise I may just have drowned myself with all the beer pouring out my nose...

Yesterday morning.

Generic User Name
10-22-2008, 11:18 AM
Don't laugh!" said the patient.

"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," the patient said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the
tiniest 'whoohoo' the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been bigger than the size of a AAA battery.

Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.

"I'm so sorry," said the doctor. "I really am. I don't know what came over me.
On my honour as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," the patient replied …

Grrrr....
10-22-2008, 03:10 PM
.....

Lucifer SLE
10-22-2008, 04:54 PM
Arguing


A mother and a father were arguing on who is the most coward between them, after a long argument they decided to ask their two kids who they think was the most coward between them.


The first one says," Dad is the most coward one, he`s scared of women. Whenever he sees a beautiful lady in town he closes his one eye."


The second kid goes," That's nuttin, Mom is so scared to sleep alone, when Dad works nightshift, Mom sleeps with the man next door. Sometimes she invites the gardener to sleep with her."

Bobjaan
10-23-2008, 08:18 AM
A lady goes and gets two tatoos, one on her left thigh of John Smit, and one on her right thigh of Juan Smith.

So later that night she shows her boyfriend and asks "Do you know them?". To which he replies "Nah, but the one in the middle looks like Luke Watson"

bokka1
10-23-2008, 09:58 AM
http://img261.imageshack.us/img261/2089/howtoei4.th.png (http://img261.imageshack.us/my.php?image=howtoei4.png)http://img261.imageshack.us/images/thpix.gif (http://g.imageshack.us/thpix.php)

Generic User Name
10-23-2008, 12:25 PM
You know how your mother always said to finish your vegetables because there are hungry kids in Ethiopia well last night I was told,
"Finish your beer, there are thirsty people in Ethiopia!"

But I guess you're here for a joke ....

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.

"Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"

"That must've been scary", said the teacher.

"It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'... And before he could say 'f***' , the Rottweiler ate him!"

OddSock
10-23-2008, 12:36 PM
http://gremj.webs.com/graphics/palin_pics/1224630942859.jpg

Uncle
10-23-2008, 12:41 PM
Only at Home Affairs.

I recently met a Chinese man and his name was Sipho Mthethwa and I
asked: How did you ever get a name like Sipho Mthetwa, being a Chinese man?"

Many, many years ago when come to this country, was stand in line at Home
Affairs Document Centre. Man in front was big black man. Lady at
counter look at him and ask, 'What your name?' He says, 'Sipho Mthethwa'
Then she looks at me and asks, 'What your name?' I say, "Sem Ting."

GeneralG
10-23-2008, 03:10 PM
So this young Bulls supporter arrives at Loftus to submit his application for the Bulls Supporters Club.


They accept the application and scan through it, as he is about to walk away they call him back and ask him to please wait outside the door.



After a few minutes he is called before the panel. The chairman asks him “I can like to see vat on da form you claim vat you are jewish, is vis true?”.



The laaitie immediately begins to protest about them being prejudice. They calm him down and say that it actually has nothing to do with his religion but that they need to know if he has been circumcised.



He informs them that he has. The Chairman draws a line though the application form and writes in capital letters “NOT APPROVED”.



The laaitie, by now almost in tears, asks why he is not accepted. The Chairman replies “my boy, if you can like to become a member of our club you have to be a complete prick !”

Lucifer SLE
10-24-2008, 10:00 AM
How to Tell the Sex of a Fly......


A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
Husband standing around with a fly swatter

"What are you doing?"
She asked.

"Hunting Flies"
He responded.

"Oh. ! Killing any?"
She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.


Intrigued, she asked.
"How can you tell them apart?"

He responded,
"3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone.

GeneralG
10-24-2008, 10:15 AM
Naidoo was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important
meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up toward heaven, he said
"Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Temple
every service for the rest of my life and give up alcohol."


Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Naidoo looked up again and said


"OK never mind. I found one"

Lucifer SLE
10-24-2008, 10:17 AM
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v724/CyberBishop00001/Motivational%20pix/Retards_motivational_poster.jpg

Not quite a joke but funny!

GeneralG
10-24-2008, 11:59 AM
Two boys are playing cricket on a field in Durban , when one is attacked
by a vicious Rottweiler.

Thinking quickly, the other boy took his cricket bat and managed to
wedge it down the dog's collar and twist, luckily breaking the dog's
neck and stopping its attack.
A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to
interview the boy.
"Young Sharks Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he starts writing
in his notebook.

"But I'm not a Sharks fan," the little hero replied.
"Sorry, since we are in Durban, I just assumed you were," said the
reporter and starts again.

"Stormers Fan Rescues Friend from Horrific Attack,..." he continued
writing in his notebook.
"I'm not a Stormers fan either!", the boy said."

"I assumed everyone in Durban was either for the Sharks or Stormers. So
what team DO you root for?" the reporter asked.
"I'm a Blue Bulls fan", the child beamed.

The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes:
"Little *****er from Pretoria Kills Beloved Family Pet."

OddSock
10-24-2008, 01:05 PM
ANCYL defends functional grade woodworker Malema

PRETORIA. The ANC Youth League has dismissed evidence of Julius Malema's dismal academic career, saying that the ANCYL is "about the collective and not the individual". However education officials have confirmed that Malema achieved an H for standard grade Mathematics in Matric, suggesting that he probably can't tell the difference between concepts of "one" and "many".

A digital reproduction of Malema's school report card has been circulating South Africa for some time, revealing a startling array of failing marks, including a G in standard grade woodworking.

However the ANCYL has rejected the report, declaring that Malema's mark for Woodwork was a revolutionary rejection of racism.

In a statement released this morning the League said that one of the founding tenets of racism was that blacks were consigned to being "hewers of wood and carriers of water".

"Woodworking is all about hewing wood and entrenching the hegemony of racism," read the statement. "Comrade Malema was subverting this by failing so selflessly."

It explained that Malema had been planning to construct a baroque cuckoo-clock for his final Grade 12 project, but chose instead to "reject bourgeois values and instead make a dovetail joint, representing the will of the masses".

"However this plan was betrayed by counterrevolutionary cold-glue which got all over everything, and a racist chisel which split the joint a week before deadline.

"He therefore chose to demonstrate his love for the simple things in life by handing in a sanded plank. This humble gesture of perseverance was rejected by the Apartheid education system, and he was given an H."

Asked how the Apartheid education system was still in control in 2002, the Youth League said that "racism knows no limits" and could "transcend time and space, like a big racist thing in space and time, transcending them, also".

Meanwhile political analysts say they are alarmed by Malema's results in Mathematics.

According to one, who wished to remain anonymous because he wished to remain alive, getting an H on the standard grade meant that Malema was "counting using his fingers and toes, and running into trouble after one hand".

However most agree that a profoundly limited intellect will not be a hindrance to Malema's political career, as he would only be required to write his own name, usually on blank checks, spell words like "demand", "reject", "kill" and "enemies", and throw ANC-themes T-shirts into crowds.

"Plus," added the unnamed analyst, "he's got nine more years of school than Jacob Zuma.

"Eleven, if you count the years he repeated."


Man, I love Hayibo.com
Hayibo - ANCYL defends functional grade woodworker Malema (http://hayibo.com/articles/view/893)

Hennie
10-24-2008, 01:14 PM
All I know is Malema has to be one dumb ****, Woodwork for gr8-12 is always standard grade and it never changes it's the same year after year.

Goose
10-24-2008, 01:26 PM
Joke of the day - Fable 2, Farcry 2 and Dead Space release on the same day....

*cries....

movethedonkey
10-28-2008, 03:34 PM
One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil …

Satan: ‘Why so glum?’

Guy: ‘What do you think? I’m in hell!’

Satan: ‘Hell’s not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?’

Guy: ‘Sure, I love to drink.’

Satan: ‘Well, you’re gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that’s all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Tab and Fresca. We drink ’til we throw up and then we drink some more! And you don’t have to worry about getting a hangover, because you’re dead anyway.’

Guy: ‘Gee that sounds great!’

Satan: ‘You a smoker?’

Guy: ‘You better believe it’

Satan: ‘All right! You’re gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie, you’re already dead, remember?’

Guy: ‘Wow … that’s awesome!’

Satan: ‘I bet you like to gamble.’

Guy: ‘Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do.’

Satan: ‘Good, ’cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, it doesn’t matter, you’re dead anyhow.’

Guy: ‘Cool!’

Satan: ‘What about drugs?’

Guy: ‘Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don’t mean …?’

Satan: ‘That’s right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want. You’re dead so who cares.’

Guy: ‘Wow! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!’

Satan: ‘You gay?’

Guy: ‘No…’

Satan: ‘Oooo, Fridays are gonna be tough …

Lucifer SLE
10-28-2008, 03:59 PM
1. Look at the size of his putter.
2. Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent.
3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker.
4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
6. Lift your head and spread your legs.
7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.
8. Just turn your back and drop it.
9. Hold up. I've got to wash my balls.
10. Damn, I missed the hole again.


http://www.golfthink.com/myspace/golfpretty4.jpg

Fun and games!:)

GeneralG
10-29-2008, 07:52 AM
2008's First Christmas Joke
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."

Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"


The man replied, "These are Carols."